Choices

Overall I am doing pretty good. Mostly I just get bored of the monotonous schedule I've got going on, and being away from people my age. I just get really lonely. Basically just when I see and hear about all the fun things my friends are doing without me. I cry a lot...its so annoying. I promise I try to be happy & positive! But my family is great and my mom and I have become really good friends. She understands and always tries to cheer me up and we find stuff to do. Mostly I just look forward to the little trips I have planned and when my friends are planning on visiting.

I still think about P a lot of course, & I think he still lives in Utah with his sister. I haven't heard anything from him, mostly because he doesnt have my home phone. But people continue to randomly call my cell ever since I told him I was placing, just like his cousins and his sister. I need to change the number. I do not think he will interfere with the adoption at all. First of all because I know he will not do the necesary things in order to have a say in the adoption. For Idaho law he has to register with the Paternal registrar or something and also be accountable for most my medical costs.

First of all, he doesn't like legal things...since he doesn't have the greatest track record and thinks people are looking for him, and second of all, there is no way he could get that much money in time before the baby comes. Really, I am not worried about that at all anymore and feel peace over it all, although it does make me sad to think about the sadness he might feel about not having his baby. But I've also come to grips with that, at least enough to move on. I've realized that I always did give him every chance to be involved and I always gave him so many chances and warnings, telling him I would leave if he couldn't make the changes needed for the baby. Now I just hope he can learn from this and realize that he does have to be responible for his actions and work for what he really wants.

His whole family is LDS and a lot aren't active. I know a lot of them won't understand because they always only saw things from his side or else they didn't even know me. But there are a couple of people, namely his mother, who actually works at an adoption & foster child agency and is a very faithful member. I know she will have a better view on things and can help to calm or comfort him. They have a good relationship and she has always been understanding of me and my efforts with Pati.

My mom doesn't want my adoption to be open. Or at least doesn't want to be very involved. It hurts me. I know she has seen her little sister place her baby, and things were just so different back then, where everything was so closed, so I know she is kind of a little shocked about how open things can be now. I think she thinks it might be even harder for things to be open, so I might ask my worker to talk with her, because I have realized how much better having things open can be for healing and such. When my grandmother went through it I know it was really hard for her and she told my mom about her experience and that its going to be hard, but I want to talk to my grandma. I wonder if she thinks things would have been easier if she was able to meet the adoptive parents and keep in contact.

My adoptive couple wants me to give our baby her middle name. I still haven't really thought of one. Its so hard...I don't have too many ideas. Mostly I just want it to be something with some sort of sentimental value. The name E is very cute for a first name. Both the adoptive couple & I really like it. I have talked to her & called her that, & it seems to fit. We'll see if it does once she's born.

Well, its time for my lunch break so I better go...the baby seems to make me hungry all the time and I gotta eat some snacks on every break. I'm sick of eating!