Purpose

"Janessa,

I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to drop a note and tell you how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to know you. I think when I first decided I wanted the chance to work with birth mothers as a therapist, I naively thought it was because I had something to bring to the table that women who are not birth moms did not. I now realize I have gotten far more from meeting other birth moms than they have ever gotten from knowing me. Even though I placed eight years ago, I still grieve and working at the agency has opened many new wounds. But listening to the things you share at group has brought me new insights into my own experience as well as great comfort. I am so grateful for you and your willingness to be so honest and open about your experience. I know every birth mom who has had the opportunity to come to group and hear you speak has benefited as well.

It really is true that in many ways being a birth mom is a sisterhood of sorts. Even though each bmom experience is completely different, only another bmom can even begin to understand what we go through.

thank you for all you have done."

I know that this is one of the reasons I was chosen to go through the things I have. So that I can help others and be their hope. That helps me so much and lifts me up. To truly know what someone is going through and know what they need to hear, and be able to comfort them and advise them, is so fulfilling. If I can make any birth mom's experience even a little bit easier, its worth the pain I go through. I have thought a lot about writing a book about my experiences and also putting in short excerpts of other birth mom's stories. There really aren't any adoption books out there that are written by actual birth parents, its always the therapists...which we love, but honestly what all can they know since they are a 3rd party. I really just want to get together my journal and organize/add things, etc and try to get it published. Just through Deseret Book or something. I can't get the idea out of my head, which makes me think I really do need to do it. So, I will start.
My baby's journal began since I left P, when I found out I was pregnant and is ongoing. I write in it for and to E and hand-copy it into a copy for her. I will eventually give her the copy. I don't know when. Maybe in a year or so, maybe not until she can read and understand everything. We'll see. I just got an email from E's mom, and I love her and their family so much! Its truly amazing that I just feel like they are another part of my extended family and I forget that I haven't always known them. That helps so much. We are comfortable together and theres so much love, its amazing. Its unspoken when we are together, but the connection is just there. Then we email about our feelings :) I hear from them every week and they email pictures. Best part of the week still! But I'm not as anxiously awaiting each one, as I used to be, which means I've made leaps and bounds. I know I progress, slowly but surely:)
Good nite.