Sunshine in my soul

Lately I have been feeling like crap (Simply put).

I’ve felt like nothing I was doing mattered and that very few people truly cared about me. Of course, my family and my friends love me, but I just felt like I wasn’t really that important to anyone. Out of sight out of mind, kinda thing.

I’ve felt like I don’t do anything that matters to anyone besides me, or even my husband. Sometimes you just get stuck in the rut of daily life and think that all your life is about is going to work and paying the bills.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone even thinks about me or cares (besides my husband, who is constantly reminding me how great I am…love him for that!).

But, I do know some people that think of me often and truly love me for me; E & her family.

So, I decided I really needed a break from life and a chance to go spend time with them! I tried getting some people to go with me with no luck (making me feel even worse), so I just went by myself while my husband was out of town.

I drove the 11 hours to their home and was so happy to see them! It was such a breath of fresh air when E & her sister were so excited to see me and show me all the different things they loved doing.

While I was there, I realized it was actually a blessing that I was able to go on the trip alone. I have never had that much alone time with E & her family. I really got to know them better and enjoy the stages that both the girls were at in their young lives.

E is truly understanding that I am her birth mother and that she was in my stomach. She mentioned it a few times and kept asking if I had my own daughter yet. SO cute! She totally understands the basic concepts of a family and knew that Scott & I would have our own children. I know her parents have taught her well and been very honest with her. She even showed me the adoption book I made her and we looked through it together.

I also loved getting to know M (E’s older sister) better. Unfortunately, her relationship with her birthmother is not very open right now and she hasn’t had any visits since birth. She really wishes she could see her and was so sweet about it. She mentioned something like “I haven’t even met her but I still miss her.” If only her birthmother could hear that! I wish I could meet her as well, since I feel like we are connected in a special way.

This trip really rejuvenated me and I have been missing their family ever since!

It is amazing the difference feeling loved can do for you. After visiting I felt like I had worth and that the things I do and have done really do make a difference. When I am down I can remember that 4 years ago I made the wonderful choice of adoption, which is something I can always be proud of.

 

                           This photo of E was taken this summer (by her mom) while she was in Sweden.

Baby Loss

Last Thursday we were enjoying delicious grilled kabobs, sitting around a table with 5 of our friends. The guys were happily reminiscing of younger days, then the conversation drifted to the future. Shelley & Trevor talked about what they were debating on naming their child, whom Shelley was currently 9 months and 1 week pregnant with. We had a great night together, enjoying the beautiful view from their deck. Before we left we wished Shelly luck with her delivery, which we hoped would be soon.

Fast forward a few days to when we received a text from Trevor stating that Shelley had given birth to their baby boy, Luke, but that he didn't make it. Shock vibrated through my body and chills ran up my spine. "But we just saw them on Thursday, how could this happen?!" I cried for the pain and heartache I knew they had been through and would continue to experience. "It has been a crazy hard weekend and I hate to have to tell you this", his text said. I can only imagine.

The past few days I have just been sick about their loss & trying to understand it. I sent a message to my dear friend Tara who recently lost her baby boy, Kaden, asking for advice on what we could possibly do to show our love for them. She sent me to this website and told me about a couple books I could give Shelley, that had helped her in her loss. I found a beautiful card to give her & Tara let me know that just knowing that people cared was what helped her the most. 

We went to the funeral for little Luke today. I was dreading it, but now I am really glad that we were able to go and be a support for our friends. I am amazed at the strength of Shelley and Trevor. They both spoke & Trevor read aloud the journal entry he wrote after all the events took place. It was so real and raw and courageous. The baby’s umbilical cord had actually been tied in a complete knot and Luke was still-born. The night that we were at their home, Shelley was already worrying since she hadn’t felt the baby kick in quite awhile. And the next day they got the horrible news.

Shelley also spoke at the funeral about the experience. But instead of focusing on details, she focused on how she has been able to get through the pain. Her testimony and faith in the Lord is amazing. If anyone can make it through this trial, it is her. I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and I believe this even more when I look at her. Strong women are given the strongest trials, because they can overcome. 

I will never forget watching them walk out of the chapel; Trevor holding his baby boy’s casket and Shelley holding the flower arrangement that was on top. They are infinitely stronger as a couple because of their loss. 

I guess I don’t know why I am sharing all this, except for the fact that I just can’t stop thinking about it. My heart aches for them. I have experienced similar grief while placing E and it is such a tender situation. I have heard a few birth moms say that at times they almost wish their child had died instead of them going through the process of placing the child for adoption. At least then the baby is still yours and not eternally sealed to another family. I felt this a few times when all the pain was still so fresh. But I know that is just grief talking. No parent should have to miss out on seeing what their child’s smile looks like or holding their baby’s warm body in their arms, if only for a few minutes.

I pray for my friends and all those that have lost children, at any stage of pregnancy or life. I know the pain will never be completely gone & that Luke will always be a part of their lives. I am grateful, now more than ever, to know that families can be together forever & that we will all be reunited with our loved ones someday.

After seeing our friends lose a baby, I realize we really are grown-ups now. And its not very fun.

Trevor and Shelley on their wedding day

Isn’t she lovely?

I got this letter in the mail awhile ago for my birthday.

E dictated to her mother what she wanted my birthday card to say.

 

In case you can’t read it, it says;

Happy Birthday Janessa,

You love everyone – parents and children. Happy Birthday to you, two cakes. You got married to Scott last year. And you love me Janessa, you do. I was in your stomach. Cause you love me, cause you love me. Happy Birthday to you. You love me – you didn’t get scared. Happy Birthday. to you. To Janessa. And I do love Janessa. You do love Scott.

                                                                Love, E.

 

This letter is beyond precious to me! I absolutely love it and tear up every time I read it. Not just because it is adorable and perfect, but because it shows me that she understands my choice & her adoption, as much as her almost 4-year-old brain can.

Because this letter means so much to me, I hesitated to share it. But I want expectant mothers and fresh birthmothers to see the hope. I have dreamed of my relationship being this great, and my daughter knowing that I love her, soo many times. To see that my hopes are actually realities now is so amazing to me.

She also made me a necklace with lots of cute colored beads on it, which I love and is hanging on my fridge, next to this letter.   ---->

 

 

Isn’t she lovely?

Traveling

I was looking through some photos of E that her mom took and found these treasures.

Here’s what her mom had to say:

“She was so cute with her little bag. As soon as we came to an escalator, she stopped and put the backpack on, and as soon as we were done, she started pulling it again.

She traveled like a pro. She knew exactly how to buckle the seat belt and play with the window. For days after wards she said how fun it was to fly on an airplane.”

 

These were taken last June (wow, a year ago already) when they came to visit Utah. She is just so cute and I miss her tons! She has the greatest personality.

Right now she is on her way to Sweden with her mother and sister for the summer. I am excited for her to spend time with her cousins there and also to meet her Grandpa. She will turn 4 while she is there!

Wow, I can’t believe it has been 4 years…

…But, at the same time I can. I have changed so incredibly much since E was born. I try to remember those days and the days leading up to her birth often. I hate that memories fade. I guess that is why I have journals and photos, but it still doesn’t entirely take me back to that reality. I cherish the time I was pregnant and the days I had with her in the hospital. She is just so special. There’s really no other way to describe her. Everything about her is special and I hope that as she grows up and meets more of this harsh world that she remembers that.

Have a happy summer E, travelling the world with your little pink carry-on.

Stronger

“Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger”

I love this song lately. It has perfect lyrics for how I felt after I left P. It was the second hardest thing I have ever done and I couldn’t have done it alone. I felt so weak, but I got stronger, every day. If only just a little bit.

Wonder

I wonder a lot.

I wonder what P is doing. I wonder if he thinks about me and our baby. I wonder if he cares. Does the topic ever come up in his family? Or does he just avoid it like he avoided any talk about his past relationships. He was supposedly engaged before we met and he would never even tell me her name. I wonder if he hurts. I wonder if he is doing better. I wonder if his family thinks about E. I wonder if they hate me as much as I think they do. Or if they even care? I really wonder if E will want P to be a part of her life. I worry that he will hurt her. Basically, I just wonder about a lot of things.

But, I don’t think I really want to know the answer to these questions. I think it will just create more pain and more unanswered questions.

It is strange to enjoy such an open relationship with E and her family, all the while P is totally shutoff and out of the picture. I am sad that he is missing out on the life of this beautiful little girl. She is so great and he doesn’t even know it. He would love her, I know it. And maybe he already does, in his own way. Again, I wonder…

I haven’t had any dreams about P for a long time. I used to have them all the time. Especially while I was pregnant. Some were vivid nightmares, while some were emotionally, sometimes romantically, intense situations I was placed in with him. A few times he begged me to take him back. I feel proud that at least in my dreams I have never gone back to him.

I know that a part of me wanted him to do all he could to be in our child’s life, even if it meant barging into the hospital demanding to see E. If only to know that he cared. Of course, I am very grateful that he didn’t try to stop the adoption and that E is happy and safe. I am in a very good place emotionally and physically. My life is good and I am enjoying everyday and looking forward to the future. I hope and pray that P has a similar situation…but for now I will just have to wonder.

A Time of Honor and Remembrance

“It is no small thing to give life.

To feel the kick of tiny feet.

To know that no matter how far apart you are,

there will always be someone out there

with whom you are connected.

To be a mother is to love,

to nurture,

to care.

To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.

Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.

On Mother's Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.

For the love we will always have for them.

For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.

We begin by honoring each other. 
 

For most birthmothers, Mother's Day is a day tinged with sadness and shame. Whether out of indifference or deliberate intent, family , friends and society in general often does not recognize our experience of motherhood. Many birthmothers feel that they do not have the right to be acknowledged on Mother's Day.
 
A group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember, decided to create Birthmother's Day. The first gathering, on the Saturday before Mother's Day 1990, brought together birthmothers and supportive family and friends. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that the Saturday before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."
 
Birthmother's Day is now commemorated all over the country. As the word spreads, more and more groups are organizing their own ceremonies. It is becoming the way for birthmothers to proclaim their motherhood, and for those who love and support then, to honor and remember their role as life givers.
 
To begin their new tradition, the birthmothers in Seattle felt that they needed to do more than simply gather together. They decided to create a ceremony that would not only give voice to their loss, but honor to the sacrifices they have made as well. It was to be a time of healing, as well as a time for respect.
 
Ultimately, it is not really a question of how we celebrate and remember our experience of motherhood, but that we do it in the first place. For too long we have been silent, accepting the view that in relinquishing our rights to parent, that our experiences in giving birth, and mothering our children those first few precious days, never happened.
 
To be a mother is to love, to nurture, to care. Before we were ever "birthmothers" we were mothers. And we still are.  We have entered into the community of mothers by virtue of our love, by nurturing our children their first nine months of life, by caring for them enough to place them into the hands of another who could give them what we could not. Our experience of mothering, while not complete, is as valid as our children's adoptive mothers. Entrusting the adoptive mother with our role as parent does not negate all that has come before. That is what we need to remember and celebrate, in whatever way choose.”
-Brenda Romanchik
 
 

Painting by J. Kirk Richards

Purchase Mother & Child Prints/Cards here.

Birthmother’s Day

This year I got to celebrate Birthmother’s Day with some of my favorite ladies in Seattle. My husband and I were visiting his family for Mother’s Day and it was perfect because I got to go to the annual Birthmother’s Day Brunch @ the LDS Family Services Office in Renton.

The office was decorated beautifully by Tara and Tawnia (The TATA’s) with a relaxing beach theme.

The food was fabulous and we had a pretty good turn out. There were about 14 birthmothers there celebrating the day. We even had a birth daughter there (recently reunited with her mother after a closed adoption for 18 years)!

We made some cute, inspirational necklaces,

toasted to Birthmothers everywhere and the children we love,

wrote letters to our children, attached them to balloons and released them.

 

 

I am so glad I was able to go and catch up with some of my soul-sisters! Recognizing and celebrating Birthmother’s Day makes Mother’s Day much easier for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, on Mother’s Day I received a beautiful (and super cute) flower arrangement from E and her family. E’s mom said that E even picked them out online. I love them!

I was able to carry them onto the airplane that night and they are now on my desk at work. :)

Happy!

I had the most wonderful weekend with my little E. She is almost 4 (in July) and has such a personality! Her family stayed with my parents and so my husband and I were able to spend lots of time with them. E is hilarious (as you can see below)!

She was always busy doing something fun (playing the drums, singing while playing the piano, dancing for everyone while listening to the radio, playing on the iPad, making funny faces, searching for rocks, playing at the park behind our house, getting her nails painted, flipping her hair, playing in the snow, and just being adorable!). That is most of what we did this weekend and it was so great.

E is at the stage where she talks a lot and knows most of our names. She can say her full name and loves it! Her middle name is similar to Janessa, so she kept saying, “We are the whole same!” SO cute. She called me her friend and we got to play together a lot. 

This was the first visit where it really wasn’t hard…at all. Just fun and enjoyable. She has her own happy life and I have mine. We love each other, and this time I didn’t feel like a stranger. She enjoyed having me there, whereas when she was a baby she always wanted her mommy (naturally) and I felt a little out of place at visits sometimes.

I had planned to stop having visits when E was this old. My thought was always that once she knows who I am, I want to let her make the decision to see me. I didn’t want to force our relationship on her and therefore would wait until she was old enough to understand and decide for herself. But, these visits have been so natural. She knows I am a special person in her life and I feel like she does want to spend time with my family and I, so I don’t feel the way I did before. We are just an extended part of her family and it feels great!

We took a 4 generation photo this weekend. E was such a good sport.

My Grandma, E, Me, My Mom

Anticipation

I am so excited for the coming weeks and months!
First of all, because it will be SPRING! (aka sunny & warm with a little bit of rain!!)

Second, E & her family are coming to visit! E’s mom texted me last night to ask if I would babysit E while they attend a session of General Conference. And of course I said YES! It will be great to see them and I am looking forward to spending as much time as I can with them while they are here. They will be staying at my parent’s house in their guest rooms. E’s uncle from Sweden is coming as well, so it will be fun to get to know him better. I was hoping to go down to Cali to visit them this summer for E’s birthday, but they will be in Sweden all summer visiting family. So, their quick trip to Utah works out great! My family and I are super excited to see them. I love open adoption!

Third, Scott’s older sister Amy is coming to visit from Seattle and stay with us for a few days in April! I am taking a day or two off so that we can go do girly things while she has a break from her cute kiddos. They are staying with their dad for spring break. She only gets about 10 days off a year, and she is taking advantage of it this time! By the way, she is super beautiful & fun if you know any single studs over 30!

Fourth, EASTER! I absolutely LOVE this holiday. I just love the feeling of Easter. The spring, the cute little eggs and bunnies, the flowers, the bright colors, etc. So much fun. I got out our Easter baskets last night to start decorating.

And last but not least, the month of May will be a great one for us. We have a couple of fun trips planned, it is our 2nd anniversary & my birthday!
So much to look forward to. Life is good!

Wherever you are

“my love will find you”

I love this book!

I think it is absolutely perfect for birthmother’s to give to their child that they placed for adoption. The words are beautiful.

It is written from a mother’s perspective and includes passages like these:

Perfect right?! My sister-in-law was reading this to a group of us while we were in Seattle last month and most everyone got a little teary (especially the mothers and even a couple men!). It just shows how much love a mother (or father) has for their child in simple, sweet words.

I plan on buying one for E's 4th birthday coming up!

“Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You” by Nancy Tillman

Spotlight: Jeanette & Paul

I have been anxiously waiting for Paul & Jeanette’s adoption profile to be approved so that I could spotlight them….and it finally is!

Click HERE to see their full profile.

I cannot say enough about this family. They are loved by so many friends and extended family, because they are just so awesome!

Paul has actually been my boss since moving to Utah. It has been great working for him…which to me says a lot! He is very positive and strives to make work fun for all of us.

I have gotten to spend time in their home on a few occasions and it has always been a fun time. Jeanette is a fabulous homemaker and such a great mom to her kids. I love hearing from Paul about all the funny events that go on in their household. Paul couldn’t be more proud of his “hot” wife and cute kids! (Paul frequently says “my wife is so freakin’ hot its unbelievable”)

Their two daughters are so adorable! Both are adopted. They have to be some of the most well-adjusted, happiest little girls I’ve ever met. They love their mom and dad and seem to have so much fun, everyday. They are best friends and it is so cute to see how Courtney adores her older sister, Marquessa.

I really admire Paul and Jeanette’s relationship. They are definitely the type of couple that ‘was made for each other.’ They are best friends and both hilarious.

They are very close with their extended families and spend lots of time with grandparents and cousins. A big, fun Mormon family.

They are excited to add to their family with another adoption and I am excited for them as well! Visit their profile for more details.

Go to their BLOG to get their button!

Babies :)

Hello everyone!

I just want to tell you all about my support for March of Dimes!

The money raised for March for Babies will help:
- support all-important research offering preventions and solutions for babies born too soon or with birth defects
- educate women on things they can do to increase their chances of having a healthy baby
- provide comfort and information to families with a newborn in intensive care
- push for newborn screening and health insurance for all pregnant women and children

Our company (Farmers Insurance) is a huge supporter of these events & so I get to be involved! We are having a Walk for the babies on April 30th in Provo Canyon, so if anyone can, please come!

If you are financially able to, please click on my link & donate...even $5 is great!
If you do it through my link, then Farmers will double (match) the donation!

MY PERSONAL LINK

Ever since E was born & I spent so much time in the NICU with all the teeny tiny babies, I have such a love for them! They are so precious & fighting for their lives everyday. So sweet. I loved seeing the mommies come in each day to nurse their babies and bottle feed them. Its so heart breaking to watch when they really don't know if the baby will make it. I basically cried watching them everyday...plus my emotions were all out of whack, so I pretty much didnt stop crying that whole week. Haha...well, donate if you can, or come do the walk with me! :)


Love Love.

Life is Beautiful

Tonight I feel so much. I have to wake up in 5 hours, but I just feel the need to write.
I'm laying next to my sleeping (and occasionally snoring) husband and watching a candle flicker, feeling so much joy.

I've had a very relaxing, thought provoking weekend. I've watched a few very touching movies and shows recently. Each displayed very different emotions and actions. But, they all had something in common. Love and Pain.

Inherently, we all want to be loved and give love. This is not always easy, by any means. But, I love seeing people's efforts to keep love in their lives. This almost always requires some pain.  Although I feel for those in pain, I know that pain is what makes life worth living. Pain is purpose. When we feel emotional pain, we are seeking love and hope. Pain brings us to progress and progress leads to perfection. Our pain, love and progress is what makes us beautiful.

Life is not easy because of this pain. But, it is always worth it. I see and hear of many of the incredibly trying situations people of all ages experience and my heart aches for them. But, at the same time I feel joy because I have hope that they can and will overcome. Sometimes we need help to do this and there is no shame in that. Sharing your burden with others can bring pain and therefore progress to them as well. We love those that we serve, and who can't use more love?

I am grateful for all those that have helped me through my painful times and those that will in the future. I am inspired by the strength and love found throughout human kind.  

      This life is beautiful.

Adoption Blogs

I have been offered a paid position blogging for www.AdoptionBlogs.com, so I will be taking a hiatus from this blog! 

I will be writing posts here.

Post topics will include:

Unplanned Pregnancy

Open Adoption

LDS Adoption

Birthparents

I am excited to start this new venture! 

Follow my other blog in the meantime>>> S&J