"True forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
I heard this quote a couple years ago, when I was really struggling with losing P and E. I was constantly wondering what could have been if we were a family and wishing P had stepped up to be a good father and hopeful husband. I thought I had fully forgiven P and moved on. But, every time I thought of E and visited her, I saw P in her. I saw the life we could have had. I couldn't help but think that we should be the ones raising her and celebrating her life, not her adoptive parents. For awhile I was in a pretty deep depression.
I finally realized I needed to let go of P and our 'future'. He was gone and I had chosen that. I had chosen E to be placed with her wonderful parents and that was where she needed to be. I had to fully forgive P for 'destroying' the future I had planned in my mind. I had to stop wishing and hoping things had turned out different and give up that 'hope for a better past'.
I had to live in the here and now, which was not easy. I had to again gravitate towards things that would bring me lasting happiness and not the fun, short lived events that brought future sorrow. I was able to focus on myself and my testimony. I began to pray again, do some repenting and actively attend church; surrounding myself with uplifting people and places. I got back on track to happiness.
While I was pregnant, I was able to forgive P for the physical and emotional things he had done to me. How? Well, it took a lot of prayer and love. I knew I would not be forgiven myself or have peace until I forgave him. What truly helped me was knowing that we are all so different and that we all come from different environments. P and I had very different upbringings, and he experienced a lot of pain during his young life. He went to drugs and alcohol to suppress the pain and anger. He didn't know how to love. Whereas I had a wonderful example of very happy and loving parents, with very little sorrow in my young life. I knew that I could not control or change the man he was and I knew that he did the best he thought he could, many times.
Once I forgave him, I was able to forgive myself. The nightmares and frequent crying lessened and then stopped. It brought me so much peace.
