Openness

A term all of us in the adoption world are now familiar with is 'Open Adoption'. But just 10 years ago this term was pretty foreign. Adoption in the U.S. and other parts of the world has changed dramatically in the last few decades. Adoption is no longer an extremely shameful, sometimes forced and harsh process. Minds and hearts have been softened towards birth mothers and the placement process, in turn increasing openness. Research and studies have been done with results showing that open adoptions are healthier for all involved in the adoption experience.

At the conference today we talked about openness in a couple of classes. During our birth mom group we discussed the different levels of openness that the girls in our group have with their adoptive couples and children. A woman that placed 18 years ago (in 1992) had a few letters and pictures during the first year of her son's life and since then has not has any correspondence. We also had a girl there that placed only 7 weeks ago and was holding her sleeping son during the group (her adoptive couple was at the conference and giving her time with her baby).

Obviously there are HUGE differences in these two situations and each adoption has its own personalized level of openness. But, the response from all the birth mothers that had closed adoptions was that they wished their adoption could have been open. All of them agreed that the transition after placement would have been less painful if they were able to have open contact with the adoptive couple and get updates regarding their babies. Not all of them would have requested visits with their child or frequent phone calls, etc, but overall they just wanted to know that their baby was 'okay'. There is so much comfort and peace in knowing that your baby is well taken care of and happy.

I am so grateful for my open adoption. It is wonderful that I can call, text or email E's mom and ask for an update or a picture, etc. I can Skpye with them, visit their home and send E anything, knowing that it will be given to her. This has brought me a lot of comfort throughout the years since I decided upon adoption. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted a very open adoption. My mother was sure that she didn't want one for me. But, right after I had my first 'face-to-face' with my adoptive couple, I knew that an open adoption would be very helpful. I felt so comfortable with my baby's family and loved seeing them together.

When I was 8 months along in my pregnancy, I flew down to California for a second face-to-face with 'my new family.' They invited me to come and trusted me with knowing their last name and being in their home.  I got to meet their friends and some of their family, which was incredibly comforting. Just how adoptive couples worry about their birth mom being 'normal', I was glad to see that they were a normal & happy family. I got to visit with the people that would spend time with and love my baby girl.  I could picture E as a part of their family and visualize what her life would be like. I know that these visits before E's birth helped to solidify my decision to place.

Openness after placement hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worth it. Worth my pain and discomfort in order to be able to make memories with her and memorize her at different stages of her life. I am so grateful that my adoptive family has trusted me enough to allow me visits with my daughter and frequent contacts. I love them and am so excited to see them again soon!