Support

Last weekend I was able to go to the National Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Layton, Utah. It was my first time & it was a great experience! I have been to a few Regional Conferences, which were good, but they were never really catered to Birth Parents at all. I was impressed that this conference had classes for Birthmothers during every hour! There were probably 50+ birthparents there & it was awesome to see.

These were my favorite classes:

1. Who, Where & When to tell:
Two birth mothers spoke about their experiences & views on sharing their adoption experience. One mother is very open & tells almost anyone she meets about her experience & love for her child, adoption, etc. She is a great advocate for adoption & takes on the opinion that if someone does not appreciate her journey, she knows she doesn't want or need them in her life. The other mother takes a more modest approach & only shares her story with those she loves & trusts. 

I found that my feelings and actions are very similar to the second mother. I choose who to share my experience very carefully. I still have some good friends that aren't aware of the fact that I have a child. I tell those that I think will appreciate it for what it is & value the emotional immensity of it. 

We had a great discussion in the class & gave advice to each other. It is amazing to see all the different personalities of birth mothers, and know that we all share a very special experience. We come in all different shapes & sizes but each love our babies equally!

2. Telling your children your adoption story: 
This class was very interesting! Again, two birthmothers presented & told how they told their children about their half-sibling that was placed for adoption. They had both placed over 10 years ago, so the relationships are mostly closed, with some openness. Both mothers told their children when they were a little older, so that they could understand it (around 7-10 years old). The reactions from their children were interesting and somewhat expected. One son was worried that he would be placed for adoption as well & another was a little hurt that he wasn't told earlier. All the children are all excited about it now and think its great that they have another brother or sister & can't wait to meet them. I've heard of this reaction quite often and am hopeful that my future children will feel the same!

 I plan to tell my children from the beginning all about E. As they mature, I will explain more in more detail to help them understand. I have some pictures up around the house & if the relationship remains as open as it has been, I think it will all feel very natural. I want to be as honest with my children as possible, so that they can understand the situation and hopefully learn from my mistakes.

I've heard many birthmoms voice concern that their children will think it is 'okay' for them to have premarital sex, because their mother did. I want to ensure they understand the pain and heartache my actions caused me & that it was definitely not the fun, right choice. I feel like when they are old enough to want to have premarital sex, they will remember this & absolutely think of it when the occasion may arise for them.

3. Birth father panel: 
This was my first time hearing from birth fathers & it was very interesting. They experience many similar feelings as birthmothers do. For these fathers that are involved, they didn't experience the physical bonding between mother and unborn child, but they wanted to ensure that we knew that they loved their children beyond measure. They also felt the pressure and responsibility of being a parent as soon as the child was conceived.

Throughout the entire panel I felt like they were having to defend themselves as birthfathers somewhat and trying to overcome the stigma related to them. Let's face it, a large majority of birthfathers are absolutely not involved at all, for whatever reason. These guys that spoke were great men that any child would love to have as a father. I still find it so interesting that the couples or parents that place their children for adoption are usually the ones that are probably the best candidates for successful single or joint parenting. But, because they understand the immense responsibility of parenting, they know that someone else is better prepared for the duty than they are & are able to give them that opportunity.

I caught myself before asking the panel if they thought all birthfathers cared and how they all really felt. Mainly I just want someone to tell me that P does care about our baby & thinks about her. But, of course all men are different & how can anyone but P know his true feelings?              ...Someday...somehow...


4. Grieving:
This class was presented by two birth mothers as well. One of whom had placed one year ago and the other, 14 years ago. They did a great job explaining their grief and what they did to help themselves through the healing process. Often the answer was prayer. Relying on Heavenly Father to comfort and direct them. This was so true for me as well; especially during the pregnancy and shortly after placement. I made a goal to pray everyday and even kept a chart at first, to help create a habit. This helped soo much. Even just to talk about my feelings and voice them to someone. I know that He heard & continues to hear my prayers.

I stopped praying regularly after a few months of placing. Things went downhill from there and I guess I just got rebellious or stubborn. Probably both. It was then that my healing was halted for awhile. I got depressed and stopped doing all of the things I knew I needed to do to be happy. I sunk into some old habits with old friends and just didn't care for awhile. But, I had been through so much before and come out a better person! I knew I could do it, I just didn't want to anymore. It took me making some stupid mistakes before I realized I needed to snap out of it and get back on track. Again I reverted back to prayer and healthy habits. It was then that I began to be happy again & began dating my future husband.

I used to think that marriage would fix everything and believe me, it doesn't. The pain is still there & I will never heal completely. Grief is a process. It is necessary & healthy. It hurts, but it is a good hurt, in a way. Hopefully the hurt lessens over time for you, if you let yourself heal & don't fight the process. Sometimes I think that if I am healing I am forgetting E. I've felt like I have to be in constant sorrow or else I am not recognizing her loss. But that is absolutely not true! I have to remind myself of that sometimes. The whole reason we place our children for adoption is to create lasting happiness for them and for us. We are allowed to be happy that our child is in a great family & that we are growing & now living a fulfilling life!

Another thing I've had to learn about grief is to accept my feelings for what they are. Judging your feelings is wrong. You cannot change the way you grieve, it is a natural process. You will grieve differently than other birthmothers & that is absolutely fine! I had my caseworker tell me that I was reacting much more positively than his previous birthmothers had, recently after placement. I worried that maybe it was because I didn't love my baby as much and I was selfish and on and on and on!  I was judging my grieving process & my emotional reactions. Of course I didn't love my baby less, I was just healing differently. The grief came later and more gradually, but it absolutely came and still does. I've also found that the pain comes at times you do not expect it and can be triggered by the strangest things. Sometimes your body just needs that emotional release & we need to realize that there is nothing wrong with that. Embrace it! Once we learn to stop fighting it or dwelling in the pain, we will progress & heal our hearts.