Choosing

So, my hubby actually gave me the idea for my post today. He is very supportive of my daily blogging for National Adoption Month and was brainstorming with me. :)

Many people, especially adoptive couples and future birth moms, ask me how I chose E's parents. How did I know they were the ones? How could I decide who I would give my child to?

Well, first of all, it obviously wasn't an easy thing to choose. But, compared to many other birth mother's stories, I feel like it was a pretty smooth process. After I told my parents that I was pregnant and all that drama ensued, my dad directed me to LDS Family Service's webpage, http://www.itsaboutlove.com/. At this point I was already strongly considering adoption, based on the abusive relationship with the birth father, or sperm donor. I decided to look at some profiles and see if there was any hope of finding a fitting family for my baby. 

On the site there are some search options. 

I chose: 

1. Parents without biological children 

2. Couples living in Utah, Washington, Hawaii and California.

3. Couples between ages 25-40

4. Couples with 3 children or less

5. Couples that would accept children of all races

After I clicked 'search', I got what seemed like hundreds of profiles. The option that wasn't listed was the ethnicity of the adoptive couple. I wanted to choose 'Polynesian'. But, because I couldn't, I looked through a dozen or so profiles and became overwhelmed because none of them were what I wanted. My baby would be half Samoan and so I wanted my child to have at least one parent that was as well. 

Culture was very important to the birth father and I loved that about him. I wanted to instill that into my child as well and having a Polynesian parent would increase the chances of that happening. When I thought about, and sometimes planned, raising my baby by myself, I promised myself that I would learn Samoan so that I could teach it to my child and they would grow up knowing the great things about their culture.

So, I began scanning the pages and pages of adoptive couple profiles on the website for Polynesian (mostly Samoan, Tongan, and Hawaiian) names. I finally found one! It was the adoptive father's name (they only show first names) and it was Hawaiian, so I recognized it from my time living in Hawaii. I loved what they wrote in their profile and I loved the pictures as well. I loved that they traveled around the world and that their different cultures were very vivid in their lives. I loved how much they seemed to adore their daughter. 

At this point I was about 13 weeks along in my pregnancy. I hadn't been to LDS Family Services yet or talked to a case worker at all. But, I wanted to contact this couple. So, I did! I clicked on the link to email them the next day, after re-examining their online profile and knowing that they could be a possible family for my baby.  I sent my first email to my couple on January 3rd, 2007. I was very clueless as to how earnestly adoptive couples are hoping and praying for children to grow their family and was actually worried that they would not be interested in having my baby. 

My email went something like this:

"Aloha,   I am a Haole girl and am wondering if you would be interested in adopting a half samoan baby. I am not sure of the sex yet, but I am about 2 months along. Culture is very important to me and I want her to be raised knowing about her Samoan culture. Thanks"

I felt brave for doing this and somewhat at ease, although I was anxiously awaiting a response. I got this the next day:

"Dear “Haole” Girl

L:(adoptive mom) Thank you so much for your e-mail. I loved it! I’m currently in Sweden with our daughter, and halfway through the letter I called my husband in the middle of the night (in California) and told him about it. He got very excited too, and we are now both writing you on two different ends of the earth. It feels like I have a million questions to you, but I will first respond to yours.

You asked if we would be interested in having a half Samoan baby. Our answer is YES, without a doubt. We would be honored and deeply grateful to get such a wonderful responsibility. We love the Polynesian culture and we love going to Hawaii and the PCC. My husband loves to dance and he has taught our “palangi” daughter too. She loves it. I have even learned how to dance some Hawaiian dances. We went to Hawaii on our Honeymoon 10 years ago and have been back twice since. Both our cultures are very important to us, and we want our children to take part of both. We all love to travel to visit friends and family or just explore.

We both feel that we can give a part Samoan child a cultural upbringing. We also have some very good friends from our former ward who are both Samoan, and if we feel we want to know more about the Samoan culture we can always come to them.

H:(adoptive father) Aloha! I understand the importance of culture and ones heritage. You might have noticed that Polynesians think and act a little differently then other people. I value my heritage and appreciate the fact that my dad had us live on the islands of Tonga. The dances and songs of our people tell stories and install pride of that heritage. I love the gospel and try to do my best to live its values. I love the Book of Mormon and that my ancestors are the descendants of those written inside its pages. The beginning of the Polynesian legacy continues even now. I have all sorts of Polynesian music…mainly Tongan and Samoan that I listen to. I enjoy watching and performing Polynesian dances. It would be an honor to raise a poly.

L: We were both very excited to hear from you and we would love to hear from you again. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask. We would also love to know more about you and the birthfather. Take care and Happy New Year!

Sending love from California and Sweden,

H and L"

You can see why I chose them, right? Their letter brought me to tears and I thought I might actually be able to go through with placing because my baby could be a part of this great family. 

I later went to the LDSFS agency and met with a case worker, all the while continuing to write my adoptive couple. We emailed at least once a week, the entire time I was pregnant. They were a huge support to me through all the trials. I cherish those emails. We got to know each other and built trust. 

We had our first 'face-to-face' when I was in my 7th month of pregnancy. This was hard. The weeks right before it were incredibly hard. I questioned my desire to place daily. I had built a relationship with them over email, but meeting them in person was entirely different. What if I didn't like them or didn't feel good about it? I truly had to seek out help from my Heavenly Father. I asked that he give me PEACE so that I would know if they were the right family for my baby. 

The couple and their daughter (at my request) flew up to Idaho to meet with me and my parents. We first met at the agency. Holy anxiety. My case worker met me and my parents in a different room at first, to help us prep. The couple was already there, waiting in the other room. I asked him funny little questions, like 'do they seem nice', and 'what are they wearing?' After a few minutes, I was ready to go in.

At first it was pretty awkward, I'm not going to lie. I was overwhelmed and had a hard time concentrating. The adoptive mom was talking a lot and I was only focusing on the fact that she had an accent. I never put two and two together before to realize that she would, seeing as she lived most her life in Sweden. I had a picture of them in my mind before we met, and honestly it was much different from how they really were. This was not bad at all, just different and I had to adapt. I reminded myself throughout the meeting that this was the couple I had been talking to and become close with. I just had to connect those feelings to these real people with me. 

The meeting got much better as it went on and we ending up talking for a couple hours. At the end they brought in their daughter. I loved that, and she was a wonderful, super smart little girl. I could definitely picture my baby being her sister. I loved seeing how well adjusted she was and how much she was loved. We planned on meeting again for breakfast the next day before they had to leave town. That went great as well and I was amazed at the peace I felt. This was my answer. Everything was going to be okay. It would be incredibly hard, but I knew it would be great. My baby was going to have a wonderful family.

It was around this time that I was finally able to confirm that I had chosen them.

This was their response:

"We are thrilled that you have made it official and chosen us as adoptive parents for your baby girl. We couldn't be happier right now! We are starting to tell our family and some friends and everyone is so happy for us. Adoption is such a wonderful thing."

It was incredibly hard to mentally confirm that they were the family, although I think I knew it all along. I postponed it as long as possible, because it felt like I was losing a part of my baby once I told them. She was no longer entirely mine, she was ours. And that hurt. But, I was so grateful for the peace I felt. They were amazing throughout everything. I couldn't have asked for a better family for my baby. I love them and now they are my family as well. 

My parents, Me, and The Adoptive Family @ The 'Face-to-Face'