Insight

Last night we watch ‘The Nativity Story,’ a Hollywood version of Christ’s birth and the events that took place previously. Mostly it focused on Mary and I really liked it. I feel I can relate to Mary and can understand somewhat how hard it was for her to be single and pregnant. She received so much persecution. I have been lucky and most people don’t say anything straight to me, although I do get some fun looks. But, mostly I can relate to and imagine her loneliness and sorrow. Although she knew that her baby was from God and he would be our Savior, I know she must have felt so sad and lonely at times, knowing how incredible this life inside her was, but not being able to share it will anyone. And having to be without a husband for most her pregnancy.

That is one amazing thing that I have realized throughout my pregnancy so far. No woman should ever have to bear a child without her man beside her. There is no one person I can share my experience with to the fullest and who can share the true excitement and wonder of a baby growing inside me. And although I know I am much better off without P, I still long for that type of male companionship to help me through this.

All of this just makes me so excited to someday meet a good, righteous man who will share in the creation of our eternal family. I am so thankful for my family and their great acceptance of my situation. I can share much with them and my mother and I have gotten very close.

I sometimes wish the adoptive couple could participate in the pregnancy more. I am just so thankful that I have been blessed to be physically able to bear children. I will cherish it forever, because I always feel that this is my time with my baby and she is all mine right now. I will always remember it, even though she won’t.

I have also thought a lot lately about the fact that we are all God’s children. The bishop told me something that really got me thinking. He said when he thinks of his children he remembers that they are truly God’s children and merely on loan’ to him and his wife for a short while. It made me think that really all of us are adopted and all our parents are adoptive parents. Our true parents are Heavenly Father and Mother. I feel I can slightly understand how hard it is for God to let each of us leave His presence and place us in the arms of two parents. I can imagine how badly He longs for us to return to Him and to choose the right. What great trust he puts in us to raise his little babies! I feel the same kind of trust in the adoptive couple I have chosen, knowing and praying that they will lead E well. I feel that God also knows they will be good adoptive parents and we are safe to trust in them for E’s well-being.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for God to choose the perfect parents for his only begotten, Jesus Christ. It must have been so hard to know the great suffering He would endure and the horrible treatment he would receive and still allow Him to leave Him and come to earth.

If I knew that E would, in any way, be harmed or suffer greatly, I don’t think I could ever even think about letting her leave my side. What a great, unselfish act our Father did for all of us. He sacrificed much, and this gives me the strength I need to sacrifice my time with E and turn her over to the care of two others. I will miss her greatly and worry much, but knowing that it is the will of the Lord helps so much. He will bless me for my decisions and I have faith that in following His will He will reward me by E getting the life she deserves.

I am willing to suffer, but am not willing to let E suffer because of my decisions. Seeing her happy will help me get through the pain of being without her.