Direction

Dear E,

You are 8 months old now and it scares me. I have missed out on so much of your life already and more time is passing me by, every minute. You have started crawling! I still feel like I know you best as a tiny baby in my arms and I wish I could know you well at every stage of your life. I long to go back to that time we had in the hospital together. Back when you were mine and I was yours.

Please come back. Come back. Come back to me E. Back to where you needed me and no one else, and were comforted by me and were too small and helpless to ever leave. Who am I without you? What do I do without you? I still don’t know, and struggle to define what I am and what I want to be. It all just feels so meaningless without you. The last 8 months have been a blur. Have I accomplished anything? Where do I go from here? But, you have done and grown so much during these 8 months!

You are beautiful and strong and touching so many hearts with your sweet spirit. How can I keep up and be the woman I want to be? If only to show you that I am a good woman, with character. I wish you were here to help me be strong. But, you are strong, and that is what matters most. Seeing you and your family happy gives me hope and joy. I’m trying to find a way to help me to improve my life.

The thought of you never fails to make me happy. You give me substance and sustenance. I love you and cannot wait to hold you in my arms once more, if only for a little while. 

Love, Janessa