Repentance

My repentance was a HUGE step in placing E for adoption. 

I focused on my repentance with the Lord all throughout my pregnancy and for awhile after wards, as well. It was very important for me to be forgiven by God of the things I had done, leading up to my pregnancy. 

I was raised to be actively involved in church and loved being a part of the LDS Church. I knew the gospel to be true and all the teachings as well. I loved it and the feelings I felt there. I was so grateful to have parents that taught me the teachings of Jesus Christ while I grew up. I always wanted to be worthy to attend the temple and someday be married there as well. When I lost that worthiness it was heartbreaking. 

I was lost and stuck in my miserable situation. I knew I wanted to get out and do all I could to go back, but the guilt overwhelmed me. Also, I was in a very abusive relationship that I couldn't plan, or seem to find, my way out of. I felt too bad about myself to pray. I was on my own and thought I could get out on my own. I couldn't. Time after time, it didn't work, I needed help.

It wasn't until after I had found out I was pregnant (about 5 weeks along) that I finally prayed. I was at the lowest point I have ever been. I had lost the will to live. I couldn't see a future, all I could see was unhappiness and pain. It felt like my life was a blur. I was cold inside and out, everything felt dark. I prayed for help. I knew I needed it, and soon. Finally I was able to 'tell' my parents, and get the help I was aching for. It was then that my repentance began. 

I met with my bishop regularly throughout my pregnancy. I confessed what I had done and been involved with. I worked, hard. I prayed daily. I read the scriptures daily. I felt God's love for me. Somehow he still loved me and truly wanted me to be happy. I read 'The Miracle of Forgiveness' everyday on my breaks at work. I filled my life with good things. It was a huge contrast for me and part of me missed my old life. But, I now had joy. 

President Spencer W. Kimball said:  

"To every forgiveness there is a condition...The fasting, the prayers, the humility must be equal to or greater than the sin. There must be a broken heart and a contrite spirit...There must be tears and genuine change of heart. There must be conviction of the sin, abandonment of the evil, confessional of the error" (The Miracle of Forgiveness [1969], 353).

For awhile I wasn't sure if I had been forgiven. I had completed all the 'steps' of repentance, but I just didn't know. I would still think of and remember my sins and that confused me. It wasn't until President Uchtdorf's talk in April 2007's General Conference that I got my answer:

"Satan will try to make us believe that our sins are not forgiven because we can remember them. Satan is a liar; he tries to blur our vision and lead us away from the path of repentance and forgiveness. God did not promise that we would not remember our sins. Remembering will help us avoid making the same mistakes again. But if we stay true and faithful, the memory of our sins will be softened over time. This will be part of the needed healing and sanctification process. Alma testified that after he cried out to Jesus for mercy, he could still remember his sins, but the memory of his sins no longer distressed and tortured him, because he knew he had been forgiven (see Alma 36:17–19)."

This was so perfect for me! I realized I had been forgiven, because the memory of my sins truly no longer 'distressed and tortured' me. I had peace! I no longer was ashamed to go to church, but happy to be there.

"Once we have truly repented, Christ will take away the burden of guilt for our sins. We can know for ourselves that we have been forgiven and made clean. The Holy Ghost will verify this to us; He is the Sanctifier. No other testimony of forgiveness can be greater. " (Elder Uchtdorf's talk)

Repentance is possible, no matter what you have done, or what has been done to you. I am so grateful for Christ's atonement for my sins and for His continued love for me.