Wonder

I wonder a lot.

I wonder what P is doing. I wonder if he thinks about me and our baby. I wonder if he cares. Does the topic ever come up in his family? Or does he just avoid it like he avoided any talk about his past relationships. He was supposedly engaged before we met and he would never even tell me her name. I wonder if he hurts. I wonder if he is doing better. I wonder if his family thinks about E. I wonder if they hate me as much as I think they do. Or if they even care? I really wonder if E will want P to be a part of her life. I worry that he will hurt her. Basically, I just wonder about a lot of things.

But, I don’t think I really want to know the answer to these questions. I think it will just create more pain and more unanswered questions.

It is strange to enjoy such an open relationship with E and her family, all the while P is totally shutoff and out of the picture. I am sad that he is missing out on the life of this beautiful little girl. She is so great and he doesn’t even know it. He would love her, I know it. And maybe he already does, in his own way. Again, I wonder…

I haven’t had any dreams about P for a long time. I used to have them all the time. Especially while I was pregnant. Some were vivid nightmares, while some were emotionally, sometimes romantically, intense situations I was placed in with him. A few times he begged me to take him back. I feel proud that at least in my dreams I have never gone back to him.

I know that a part of me wanted him to do all he could to be in our child’s life, even if it meant barging into the hospital demanding to see E. If only to know that he cared. Of course, I am very grateful that he didn’t try to stop the adoption and that E is happy and safe. I am in a very good place emotionally and physically. My life is good and I am enjoying everyday and looking forward to the future. I hope and pray that P has a similar situation…but for now I will just have to wonder.