Betrayal

I am not showing at all yet...I feel like I am, but I'm not. My midwife said this

month is when I will start growing. The projected due date is around July

15th. I do want to find out the gender before, and she said I could do that

pretty soon...so we will see. 

It is definitely a good thing to tell P that I'm still pregnant, I've realized this. I'm just

kind of scared, only because I don't want to hurt him and his family...but

I know I have to do it sometime in the future. When I first realized I was

pregnant I told Pati. He was so happy...this was his dream, to get me

pregnant so that I would actually marry him...since I only wanted a temple

marriage. So, for about a month we thought we were having a baby together

and so many things were going wrong and we were fighting, basically because

I was stressed about what we were going to do. He asked me to marry him and

I told him I knew I couldnt marry him. Neither of us was happy and I told

him I needed a honorable and righteous man to be the father of my child.

This is when I decided to leave him, and in order for that to happen I told

him that I had a miscarriage...so that it was a false alarm. He then wanted to

work towards a temple marriage and I just told him that no, this showed me

that it was truly over, because that was the only reason I was even with

him still. 

So, I decided to do this on my own and moved home, away from

him. The break was actually a lot more smooth than I expected, I think

because we had been going towards that for awhile. Now, I haven't talked to

him in about a month...but I have heard that he is sad and sometimes still

can't understand why I left. He always had trouble understanding why it

wouldn't work. Because he always thought that just being together was

enough, and I always wanted more.

So, after we have had more time apart I will tell him my plans and am

praying that it will all go smoothly. I know he will not do the necessary

things, according to law, in order to have a say in the adoption. So, I am

not worried about that. I just hope he understands. I feel like I am betraying him.