ok, I just had the best talk ever with my girl Allie. I love her. we can be honest to each other & care about each other's happiness so much.
I know what I need to do. I need to focus on Me. I'm always trying to focus on others and help them or entertain them, because I don't want to think about my issues. I'm scared to be by myself, with myself. I'm afraid i'll get depressed and overwhelmed...because I do. then I just go find a new person to befriend & have fun with & the pattern never ends. I never seem to come out of these relationships as a better person, because all I do is listen to them & do what they want & let their decisions become my actions, etc. I am afraid to open up to them, because I don't want to come to grips with my own problems & don't want to weigh them down. so, I end up not opening at all & sharing the truly good, uplifting things with them. I feel like I just keep giving to these 'friends', when really, if I was my true self with them, I could give them so much more. I'm afraid of doing great things & offering my good qualities, because they've been trampled on before.
So, right now I need to focus on doing the things I want to do each day & setting & attaining small goals that will bring me closer to becoming the woman I want to be. even if that means spending more time at home, or alone time with myself...that can be so much more gratifying than meaningless parties & going out with all these 'friends' I have, all the time.
I want to be ready to commit to myself. commit to finally being who I want to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks I should be or am. I'm the only one that can change my life & make of it what I want. my time here is short & I'm sick of wasting it. I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything since I placed E, and I hate that. I feel like I've gone backwards. I'm ready to move forward. its for me. I want to dedicate myself to myself. I need to feel like Im worth it. I'm a total people pleaser & its finally time for me to be in control of MY LIFE.
1 comment:
jan. just read both of today's blogs. they're rockin. i totally hear ya, on all fronts. like you said, LIVE for yourself. screw everybody else and what they think and what they want and even what they think is best for you. you need to think about what YOU want, and ignore what other people think. even people that truly do care about you and say they want what's best. the truth is, only YOU know what is best for YOU. just know that the people that really matter will still be around no matter what you do or what you think or what you say. and i'm ALWAYS here. xoxo
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