Therapy

9/7/2008
P-
where are you? how are you? are you happy? do you ever think about me? do you ever think about our daughter? do you even care?? don't you miss us? do you ever wish we could be a family?
why did you ever let me go? why couldn't you be the man I needed you to be? why couldn't you do it for our child? you love weed more than you love me. why do you always want to be drinking? was I not enough for you? I hated going everywhere with you while you were drinking. you always left me, standing alone & then would get mad at me for talking to your friends. why are you so jealous & untrusting? who hurt you? why won't you just let people love you? not everyone is bad. why did you let me fall in love with you? did you know you were going to treat me so badly? I'm sorry that you have been hurt so badly by so many people in your life. everyone gets hurt. you have to deal with it. be a man & take control of your life. stop trying to control me. I hate that I tried so hard to make you happy. you never tried to make me happy. did you even care if I was? I wasn't. how could you do the things you did to me?? you hurt me so bad, P. I've cried & cried about it, over & over. I want it to be gone. just cry you out of my system & my life! do you realize how many people have suffered & will suffer because of what you've done? all I ever wanted was your love & acceptance & respect. didn't I deserve it? how can you respect your parents & elders so much & not think I deserved any? I just want to hit you over & over until you realize what you've done! & what you've missed out on! why don't you act like you care? what's wrong with you?! you seem so unhumane & unfeeling sometimes. but, then I see good in you & love & passion for others & life & then I fall in love with you all over again. you were so happy that I was pregnant. but you couldn't even stop smoking for us. what the hell?? I want to scream! I have more courage than you ever will! we made the most beautiful baby together & I don't want her to ever know how much of an asshole you were. I'm with someone now who respects me. he let's me be myself & loves me for that. I'm so much more than you ever let me be! I'm finally defining who I am. how dare you take control of my life & cover up who I really am? you made me lose myself. and because of that I almost lost my life & my will to live. I have great attributes & characteristics to offer this world! people love me P, they do. were you afraid of that? afraid that I would realize I was too good for you & leave you? I always knew I was too good for you. but I loved you & your potential. I wanted to make you happy. that's what you do when you love someone, p. you sacrifice for them & support them & care about their feelings. you don't love me. you can't, because you don't know how to love. you wouldn't let me teach you to either. At 19 I knew more about loving than you did at 27. I know that's not all your fault. you are a product of your environment. that's real & that's why I've been able to forgive you. I know you want so much from your life & to do so much, but you don't let yourself. there's a point in life where you have to take control & responsibility & stop feeling sorry for yourself. be a man. you think you are so manly & strong & in charge & the life of the party, but you know so little about being a real Man. it takes courage & commitment & maturity & love to be a real man. you can't blame your life & situation on everyone else all the time. shit happens, to all of us, not just you. we all have pasts that we have to deal with. we all have people that have hurt us. we have to forgive & move on. do you realize that you did worse things to me than your dad, or your ex's ever did to you??! you have so many friends & family that love you and you love them. why couldn't you treat me the way you treated them? I was never good enough. I would have given anything for you to love me the way I knew you loved your cousins. i love the way you treated your family. I hate the way you treated me. why did I let you?! I just wanted to be loved! is that too much to ask?? I gave you everything! I gave you my virginity, not that you gave me much choice, but I gave that to you because I thought that would make you happy & I loved you. you knew it wasn't what I wanted. it was all I had left.
I feel sorry for you. I know you hurt. I see it in your eyes. I hope & pray that someday you will be who you truly want to be & experience a good life. its not supposed to be the way you make it. its supposed to be fulfilling & positive. you deserve it. so do I.
I still love you. please try to love. -Janessa