Guilt

Well, today has been a very trying day.

I finally got a number for P and called him tonight, with my dad. It started off fine, and he was happy to hear from me. Then I told him I called because I wanted to tell him that I was still pregnant. I said the miscarriage was a false alarm and that I had waited 2 months to tell him because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. During this whole time I could hear him crying a little.

Then I said I had decided on adoption and had found a good poly family who couldn't have children and wanted to give them our baby girl. He didn't understand this and said, if I didn't want the baby then why don't I just give it to him? I tried to explain that I want the baby more than anything and that this has been very hard for me, but it was the best thing for the baby. I told him that me and him were never going to work out and couldn't give the baby the temple marriage and sealing that I wanted for her.

He kept saying things and just trying to kinda talk me out of it and said, "well it sounds like you guys have just made your mind up and what about me?" Then my dad butted in and said "Well, maybe you should have thought about what you were doing and the responsibility and etc. We know this is best for the baby, and if you want to be involved you can, but you need to get in touch with LDS family services. I also told him that He could be involved and that the adoptive couple was willing, but he was dragging it and my dad had to finally end it because I was losing strength and he just kept trying to make me feel worse about the whole thing.


It was really hard for me, and I've cried a lot, just because its so sad for me that he doesn't understand and has never understood my values and the importance of the gospel.  I don't want him to be hurt. But I do know I've done all I can at this point and whatever else is up to him. I can't let him continue to get me down. He just makes me feel like I have no control and no good intentions, which is not true. It just brought back old stuff, but I talked to my parents and my caseworker and I'm okay. At least it is over.


His parents adopted 5 children, within their extended family, the way that many polynesians do, so I brought that up and said its just like how his aunties gave his parents their children, so that they could have a better life. Hopefully someday he will realize my intentions.


Well, I will be okay, somehow. 

I told my worker that I had decided on the adoptive family I've been talking to as my baby's family, so he said we could plan a face to face sometime soon if we want. I am excited to meet them, but so scared as well.