I don’t know what to do.
I am not in love with P anymore, but I do love him. He’s done so much for me and I for him, but I’m just so over it. Over all the fights and struggles trying to make things work. It’s hard to throw away all we’ve had together, but I know it will just bring me more heartache and sorrow. Can I just do whatever I want with my baby and deny him any say in it? I love him and always will. I hate hurting him and know I do and will by leaving him.
I need help, I’m scared. I want a baby and will love it, but don’t know if I should keep it. No one will ever want me now.
I think maybe I will stick it out with P and make a family. I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.
I can make myself be happy.
December 23, 2006
November 21, 2006
Pregnant
Yes, It's true.
It feels surreal, but at the same time, so expected.
I didn't even take a pregnancy test. I don't need to, I already know a baby is growing inside of me. P's baby. I knew after I got so sick from eating those salsa flavored chips. And I know because I have to pee every 15 minutes. And because I'm so emotionally and physically drained, every day. And because I knew that if I had sex with him one more time, I would get pregnant.
A few weeks ago I went to my bishop. I confessed that P & I had been having sex & that I wanted help. Help to get away from him & help to somehow find happiness again. And that meeting gave me some hope. Not for P, but for me. In my heart I knew P wouldn't change and wouldn't want to stop being intimate. And especially wouldn't do what it took to take me to the temple. But, I asked him to help me & support me. And he said he would.
A few days later, P begged me to go to a hotel with him, since 'he had just had such a long day at work and didnt want to drive all the way home,' etc etc. After repeatedly telling him no, I finally gave in, but made a promise to myself that nothing physical would happen. A few more No's later, I had broken my promise to myself & the bishop. That was the second time I had cried during sex. P thought it was because I was so happy. But really it was because my heart was breaking. Breaking for the broken promise, breaking for his ignorance, and breaking because I knew I was going to get pregnant this time.
The month before this, I had a pregnancy scare. I was late & started dreading a pregnancy. I knew I didn't want to be with P anymore & didn't love him the way I used to. I wasn't happy. Once I got my period, I decided to visit my bishop & start to end all of this once and for all. I promised God that because I didn't get pregnant, I would never have sex with P again. And that's how I knew I was pregnant this time.
Last month was my last chance.
When I told P that I knew I was pregnant, he didn't believe me at first & wanted to see a pregnancy test. I kept refusing, telling him that was unnecessary. 'There's no way I'm not pregnant.'
He cried. Out of joy.
Doctors had told him in the past that he would have a hard time having children. He loves little children and is a great uncle. He wants nothing more than to be a father. He told me many many times that his goal was to get me pregnant. 'Because then I would never leave him.' That's why he refused to use protection & convinced me into having sex with him whenever our relationship got rocky.
Little does he know, getting pregnant is the one thing that could force me to leave him.
Now, all we do is fight. I feel like crap 99% of the time & am surviving on Saltines & Pickles. I can't stand the scent of him after he works all day on the oil rig. I feel so alone. I want to be happy, but more importantly I want my baby to be happy. I know my baby won't be happy if I am miserable.
He asked me to marry him the other day. Well, not really. It was more of a 'Let's go down to Vegas then, babe & get married if it will make you feel better!' Wow, how extremely appealing & romantic. He has no problem being unwed & expecting a baby. But I am so ashamed and alone. I lie to my parents every day on the phone when they ask how I am.
I now know what it feels like to be suicidal. But of course that's not an option because my baby can't survive without me. Even death isn't an option at this point. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. And sleep. In my freezing cold room.
I am so hopeless.
P thinks we should move back to Hawaii and live with his mom. I have actually given this a lot of thought, because I am not sure my parents will love me after I tell them everything. How could they? I don't even love me. I have gone against everything they have taught me. I haven't wanted to, but all that matters is that I did.
Can I force myself to be happy living in P's world? I try to picture it, but all I feel is dread. The only thing appealing about Hawaii is the ocean. I know what life there with P is truly like. I don't want my baby to go through what I did there. I need help but am too ashamed & scared to ask. And where would I go?
It feels surreal, but at the same time, so expected.
I didn't even take a pregnancy test. I don't need to, I already know a baby is growing inside of me. P's baby. I knew after I got so sick from eating those salsa flavored chips. And I know because I have to pee every 15 minutes. And because I'm so emotionally and physically drained, every day. And because I knew that if I had sex with him one more time, I would get pregnant.
A few weeks ago I went to my bishop. I confessed that P & I had been having sex & that I wanted help. Help to get away from him & help to somehow find happiness again. And that meeting gave me some hope. Not for P, but for me. In my heart I knew P wouldn't change and wouldn't want to stop being intimate. And especially wouldn't do what it took to take me to the temple. But, I asked him to help me & support me. And he said he would.
A few days later, P begged me to go to a hotel with him, since 'he had just had such a long day at work and didnt want to drive all the way home,' etc etc. After repeatedly telling him no, I finally gave in, but made a promise to myself that nothing physical would happen. A few more No's later, I had broken my promise to myself & the bishop. That was the second time I had cried during sex. P thought it was because I was so happy. But really it was because my heart was breaking. Breaking for the broken promise, breaking for his ignorance, and breaking because I knew I was going to get pregnant this time.
The month before this, I had a pregnancy scare. I was late & started dreading a pregnancy. I knew I didn't want to be with P anymore & didn't love him the way I used to. I wasn't happy. Once I got my period, I decided to visit my bishop & start to end all of this once and for all. I promised God that because I didn't get pregnant, I would never have sex with P again. And that's how I knew I was pregnant this time.
Last month was my last chance.
When I told P that I knew I was pregnant, he didn't believe me at first & wanted to see a pregnancy test. I kept refusing, telling him that was unnecessary. 'There's no way I'm not pregnant.'
He cried. Out of joy.
Doctors had told him in the past that he would have a hard time having children. He loves little children and is a great uncle. He wants nothing more than to be a father. He told me many many times that his goal was to get me pregnant. 'Because then I would never leave him.' That's why he refused to use protection & convinced me into having sex with him whenever our relationship got rocky.
Little does he know, getting pregnant is the one thing that could force me to leave him.
Now, all we do is fight. I feel like crap 99% of the time & am surviving on Saltines & Pickles. I can't stand the scent of him after he works all day on the oil rig. I feel so alone. I want to be happy, but more importantly I want my baby to be happy. I know my baby won't be happy if I am miserable.
He asked me to marry him the other day. Well, not really. It was more of a 'Let's go down to Vegas then, babe & get married if it will make you feel better!' Wow, how extremely appealing & romantic. He has no problem being unwed & expecting a baby. But I am so ashamed and alone. I lie to my parents every day on the phone when they ask how I am.
I now know what it feels like to be suicidal. But of course that's not an option because my baby can't survive without me. Even death isn't an option at this point. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. And sleep. In my freezing cold room.
I am so hopeless.
P thinks we should move back to Hawaii and live with his mom. I have actually given this a lot of thought, because I am not sure my parents will love me after I tell them everything. How could they? I don't even love me. I have gone against everything they have taught me. I haven't wanted to, but all that matters is that I did.
Can I force myself to be happy living in P's world? I try to picture it, but all I feel is dread. The only thing appealing about Hawaii is the ocean. I know what life there with P is truly like. I don't want my baby to go through what I did there. I need help but am too ashamed & scared to ask. And where would I go?
July 13, 2006
Weakness
“The reason people fail instead of succeed is because they trade what they want most for what they want at the moment.”
Sometimes I feel really weak, because I always do things that I want to, even if I know I will hate it in the long run. I don’t know where to gain strength to overcome the desires and urges, but I just don’t want to enough, even though I know I do want to. Sometimes I act like I don’t care and that it’s no big deal, even though I truly know it is important to me and I care passionately.
Somehow I need to convert my passion into action.
Sometimes I feel really weak, because I always do things that I want to, even if I know I will hate it in the long run. I don’t know where to gain strength to overcome the desires and urges, but I just don’t want to enough, even though I know I do want to. Sometimes I act like I don’t care and that it’s no big deal, even though I truly know it is important to me and I care passionately.
Somehow I need to convert my passion into action.
May 31, 2006
Words
“I wrote when I did not know life. Now that I do know the meaning of life, I have no more to write. Life cannot be written, life can only be lived.”
-Oscar Wilde
April 10, 2006
Changed
I just want to be loved. I have so much love to give and life to live that I wish I could just do it and nothing would get in the way. It’s hard to create everlasting happiness. It has to just happen, you can’t force it. Short lived happiness is easy to find and have, but it is easy to lose and harder to find once it’s gone. I used to be happier and find joy easier, but life and love and happiness and sorrow got in the way. I used to be young and free and careless and spontaneous. Now I am a woman with constant thoughts and ideas and responsibilities. I made myself this way. Well my experiences encouraged it and forced it.
Love can’t come easy, if it’s going to last. Anything that’s worthy of eternity is worthy of your worry and sacrifice. I am forever changed. Nothing can take me back to who and where I was. My mind may forget, but my soul and spirit will not. A heart once touched and tampered with is forever reshaped and worn.
Love can’t come easy, if it’s going to last. Anything that’s worthy of eternity is worthy of your worry and sacrifice. I am forever changed. Nothing can take me back to who and where I was. My mind may forget, but my soul and spirit will not. A heart once touched and tampered with is forever reshaped and worn.
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