I wonder if she remembers me

The last night I had with my sweet E in the hospital was the hardest of them all. It's the night I said my goodbyes to her, and is painful to recall. I told her how I loved her more than she would ever know. I begged her not to forget me and somehow love me more. I sang to her and told her of her individual worth. I cried as I looked into her tiny brown eyes, overwhelmed by the miracle of her birth. I asked her to forgive me and to be the best that she could be. I tried to explain my reasoning and prayed that she would see.

I held her tight and cried as only birth moms do. I watched the minutes and hours pass and I knew the night's end would soon ensue.

How could I ever let her go? My time with her was over, how could it possibly be so?

I somehow called the nurse to take E back to her warm bed. I kissed my baby girl as my tears spilled on her head. All too soon the nurse arrived and stood there patiently as she realized my painful glow. How could I ever let my baby go?

I found the feeble strength to stand and gently placed her in the nurse's hands. As I stood there trying to be calm, the nurse hugged me with my angel in her arms. I sunk into her grasp and cried, trying to ignore my shame. She probably didn't even know my name. Her words aroused so much regret, "Don't let this ruin you- You have so much ahead." She held my hand and looked me in the eyes, full of compassion and respect. I thanked her and slowly kissed my tiny girl's sweet sleeping face, not sure what to do next. 

I lifted my head and walked away, forever changed and spent. I knew this would be the hardest part, but somehow I'd survived. I could make it through the rest, no matter what that meant.

As days and months have somehow passed, I've held that night in high esteem; it meant more to me than anyone could dream. I wonder if that nurse went home and hugged her children tight. I wonder if she thanked God for her presence in their lives. I wonder if she taught them of the pain bad choices can ignite. But most of all I wonder if she remembers the girl she saved that night.