Work

Lately it seems like my job is my haven. 

I've always been a worker. I've never not worked, so I don't know how it would be to not. I had my first real, taxable job at age 12 and have only ever had very short breaks of unemployment since then. Even all throughout college I worked. Maybe only 9 hours a week, but I always felt the need to work. I think I find self-worth in it (regardless of the fact that I've always wanted or needed money). Plus, I am a very independent person and I can't imagine not at least trying to be self-sufficient. Even when I can't seem to get my personal life in order, at least I can know that I accomplished and earned all that I did while doing my 40 hours at work that week.

Work can also be a great distraction. Throughout my pregnancy and after the placement of E, I know that working full time helped me in many ways. It was my encouragement to get out of bed & keep surviving on some of the harder days. Most people at work didn't know that I placed, so it was where I could pretend that things were going great for me and that I was anxiously awaiting E's birth and later enjoying my newborn at home. It kept my mind off my emotions for at least 8 hours a day. It helped me feel like I was accomplishing something and that those 9 months weren't setting me back in my life. After I placed, I went back to work 2 weeks later, although even my boss encouraged me to take more time off. I needed to be at work. To be busy and productive.

I can absolutely understand women that desire to work, even if they financially might not 'need' to after they are married with kids or whatever the situation may be. At work I don't have to think about my personal problems or really think about anything except work. Its a nice break from reality, although its basically just another reality of its own. But, its work, and therefore problems at work (at least for me), aren't going to affect me as much as my personal challenges.

Luckily I haven't had many problems at work lately. My biggest problem is that I am really busy, which is a great problem to have in our business. My boss is seriously like a dream boss. I'm so so so grateful for that! The manager or boss' attitude changes the entire feeling in the office and luckily he is very positive and makes things fun. So, if he is there, I know that I am going to have a pretty good day. Its nice to have that assurance when I go to work. That has definitely helped me get through my trials the last few months and keep continuing on, day after day. It is stable and reliable and I am confident at work. I am the trainer, so I am teaching all throughout the day and sharing my knowledge, which is always rewarding.

Work is good. Although I often tell myself I wish I didn't have to work, I don't know what I would do without it.

Temple

It’s really late and I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, but I feel like I need to get some thoughts out.

Tonight my husband and I were able to go to the temple. It was such a great experience. Like many good things, it is hard to make myself go, but I am always so glad I did once I’m there.

I worked very hard to get to the temple and become worthy of a temple marriage...And it was so worth it! I feel I am blessed because I do not take it for granted as some others may. I placed my child for adoption because I knew that she needed to be in a family that was sealed to each other and I needed to become worthy of an eternal marriage for my future.

I was just telling Scott how I just wish I could live in the temple. It has got to be the closest place to heaven that there is. When I think about how I feel there I think of love and peace. It’s like as soon as I walk in the doors I am changed. Every one there is so kind and sweet and loving, it’s amazing. I smile at everyone and they smile back or say something kind. It seems that inside that’s how we wish life was all the time. Because, as soon as we go out into the world we don’t act the same and are no longer quite as connected.  

Being in the temple makes me so excited for the eternities, or a time when I can be in those surroundings all the time. All my worries seem to vanish, if only for a little while. Everything is put into eternal perspective there. Suddenly not having enough money, or feeling ugly & fat, doesn’t seem to matter at all. It makes your life feel worth living and gives me purpose in this world. I feel hope and strength when I’m there, that will get me through my earthly trials. I need to make a habit of going weekly so that I can feel that strength and boost more often!

I wish soo much that many of my dear friends could feel and see what the temple is like. Many of them are struggling with the church and not sure if they want to be a part of it anymore. I can understand their doubts, because I have had them too. But, throughout all my ups and downs, I had to trust my feelings and my heart. Luckily, with the help of my family and many others, I was able to trust in the Lord and His gospel. I am so glad that I did! Life is hard enough without His help.

I wish my friends could experience the great love that is within the temple walls. After going through the temple myself, so much changed. I made and learned about eternal covenants and so many things were made clear for me. If anyone is wondering if the temple will really make that big of a difference in your life, I promise that it will. Of course you need to prepare yourself and go there with the right intentions. But, if you do, I know you can experience the love and eternal purpose that I have. The temple is perfect. The people of course are not, but we are all there trying to progress, together. If you have any desire to make it to the temple, I encourage you to do so. No matter how far away it might seem, it is possible, and I know that it is worth it!

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Someday

As days go by
and fade to nights
I still question
why you left
I wonder how
it didn’t work out
but now you’re gone
and memories all I have for now
but no it’s not over
we’ll get older we’ll get over
we’ll live to see the day that I hope for
come back to me
I still believe that
we’ll get it right again
we’ll come back to life again
we won’t say another goodbye again
you’ll live forever with me

someday, someday
we’ll be together

I heard someday
might be today
mysteries of destinies they
are somehow
and are someway
for all we know
they come tomorrow
for today
my eyes are open
my arms are raised for your embrace
my hands are here to mend what is broken
to feel again the warmth of your face
I believe there is more to life
oh I love you much more than life
and still
I believe I can change your mind
revive what is dying inside
and someday, someday
we’ll be together
someday, someday
we’ll be together
someday

-John Legend

This is one of my songs for E.  I always think of her when I hear it & I used to think of P as well (but thankfully that has passed!). I first heard it on the movie 'August Rush', which I LOVE! If you haven't seen it yet, please do! It is all about the love of a child for his unfound parents & his quest to find them through 'the music'. Its a beautiful story & after I placed E I would watch it often, crying for 80% of the time. ;)


I have a dream that someday E & I can be together. We can be great friends & live & laugh together. Someday...