Stigma

As a birthmother, I feel like I am constantly trying to overcome the stigma that comes along with it. Even those that know me well sometimes still have their own preconceived notions of what a birth mother usually is. Many think that I am just different than most birth moms, and the rest are all ‘that way’. Which way do you ask? I think we all know. The type portrayed in Hollywood. The dead beat lady that has nothing to show for her life when their adopted child comes looking for them when they are 18. The girl that got pregnant in high school on a drunken one night stand and ‘gave up’ their child to avoid the associated drama and embarrassment. I could go on, but basically it’s always a pretty negative description. My goal is to help people understand what a real birthmother is.

This is what I am:

I am a beloved daughter and sister.
I am confident.
I am a college graduate.
I am a lover.
I am a mature woman.
I am strong.
I am a professional.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am a birth mother.


I placed my child for adoption because:
I love her.
I chose to.
I was educated on all my options.
I believe in eternal families.
I knew it was right.
I want the best for her.

I didn’t want her to suffer.

I wanted her to have a father.

I am a mother.

I did NOT place my child for adoption because:

I was forced.
I was scared.
I was encouraged to.
I was embarrassed.

I was alone.

I was a sinner.

I didn’t want her.

I was uneducated.

I didn’t love her.

 

I know that not all birth mothers are the same as I am. But, I have never met a birth mother that placed her child for adoption because she didn’t love them. I know that when you truly love someone you want the best for them, no matter what. I hope people universally can someday understand this.

 

I love being a birthmother and am proud of it!

Control

Losing Control can mean so many different things. Mostly negative.

In my case (as a birth mother) losing control of my daughter was a positive and negative thing. It meant that E was now with her adoptive family and they had control of her life. And, it meant that I had lost all control of E's life. This was a HUGE transition and a pretty hard process.

I like to consider myself a very 'in control' type of person. I am very independent. Why? Because I can rely on and trust myself. I feel I am very responsible and can 'take care of myself.' I have the attitude that if I do things on my own, I don't run the risk of being let down by someone else. So, when it came to relinquishing the control of my own daughter, this was incredibly hard.

I went from having 100% of the control, to 0%. While E was growing inside of me for 9 months, she was entirely my responsibility and no one else could even get to her, without my permission. I loved this and cherished the time that she was totally mine. I ate healthy, exercised daily and did my best to nurture and protect my unborn baby.

Once she was born, I started to lose some of this control. The doctors and nurses took over for awhile, because she was in the NICU. Her pediatrician in the hospital was a jerk and didn't seem to think I cared or needed to know anything about the health of my child while she was there. Because he knew I was placing, he just decided that meant I didn't want to know. (Hopefully he can someday overcome his preconceived notions about birth mothers...and I like to think that I encouraged that.) I hated not being the first to know everything that was going on with my baby. I hadn't even placed her yet and I wasn't in control! I was not emotionally expecting this.

Then, once the adoptive couple came and I had to do 'legal placement', I lost more control. I wasn't the only person with access to my baby while she was in the NICU anymore. The nurses did all they could to ensure that only the people I wanted to be there could be, and that helped. But, I did want the adoptive couple to be able to see and hold E, it was all part of my adoption process. Slowly losing the control was the hard part. She was mine! (and so precious and perfect and adorable and wonderful!)

A truly painful moment was when the pediatrician sat down with the adoptive couple and I to talk about E's health and what care she would need after leaving the hospital. He spoke to them. Not me. He wouldn't even look at me. I didn't matter anymore. I wouldn't be the one taking care of her anymore. I would have no control. It hurt and I broke down in front of them. I hated myself for this. For losing control of myself and my baby. I was supposed to be the very responsible and strong mother that could have taken care of my child and didn't "need" to place her for adoption.

Thankfully, I had built trust with the adoptive couple and I knew that they would take care of my little baby. I trusted in them and I trusted in the Lord. I could give them the control and that made the physical placement much easier. I had to know that they would take great care of her. Seeing them with their first child helped a lot. I knew that they had a healthy, loving relationship with her and would continue that with all their children.

Losing control is traumatic. But, I got through it and continue to. Having people close to you that you can trust fully helps so much. The hard part is letting yourself trust others and allowing them to help. That's something I will have to work on for the rest of my life.

Amazing (Race)

Did you know that there has been a Birth mother/Adoptee pair competing on the Amazing Race this season? They met right before the Race and are using this time to get to know each other. How awesome is that?!

Here is a wonderfully made video telling their story:


Wow, this video is so powerful! I love it!

Edible Adoption Advocacy!

How awesome is this?! 

  

We went to a Gingerbread House contest event in Idaho a couple weeks ago and randomly there was an Adoption one! It was beautiful! I wish I had my good camera with me, but this camera phone one isn't bad. 

Each display was made entirely out of edible things. The cute red ribbon on this was made out of a Fruit Roll-Up. I don't know who made it, but aren't they great? Of course I voted for this one to be #1!

There are all kinds of ways to advocate for adoption...yum!

E Update!

E's mom sent me some cute pics recently & I thought I would share!

Here is adorable E all ready for winter! Love the outfit :)

E drew this picture of a chicken. So cute... I love all the colors, so creative!

Haha, this is my favorite! She got stuck on the playground.

Love is Stronger Than Separation

"My old friend, grief, is back. He comes to visit me once in a while just to remind me that I am still a broken person. Surely there has been much healing since my son died six years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without him by now. But the truth is, we never completely heal, we never totally adjust to the loss of a major love. We will be all right, but we will never be the same.

And so my old friend Grief drops in to say hello. Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. Sometimes he sneaks up on me. I’ll hear a certain song, smell a certain fragrance, or look at a certain picture, and I’ll remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face, sometimes a tear.

Some may say that such remembering is not healthy, that we ought not to dwell on thoughts that make us sad. Yet, the opposite is true. Grief revisited is grief acknowledged, and grief confronted is grief resolved.

But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a deep sense of loss at anniversaries and holidays, and even when we least expect it? Why do we feel a lump in the throat, even six years after the loss? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don’t take part of the deceased with us.

My old friend Grief doesn’t get in the way of my living. He just wants to drop by and chat sometimes. In fact, Grief has taught me, over the years, that if I try to deny the reality of a major loss in my life, I end up having to deny life altogether. He has taught me that although the pain of loss is great, I must confront it and experience it fully or else risk emotional paralysis.

Old Grief has also taught me that I can survive even great losses and that although my world is very different after a major loss, it is still my world and life is worth living. He has taught me that when I am willing to be pruned by the losses that come, I can flourish again in season, not in spite of loss, but because of it.

My old friend, Grief, has taught me that the loss of a loved one does not mean the loss of love, for love is stronger than separation and longer than the permanence of death."

                                     -Adolfo Quezada, from the Tucson Arizona Daily Star

Sharing

Click here to see some amazing Birth Mother's Stories

I spent some time watching a few of these videos today. Wow, what wonderful women! I love birth mothers! I am proud to be numbered among these beautiful, strong, spiritual and loving ladies.  We are overcoming the stigma that has followed birth mothers in the past.

I love hearing other's stories and never tire of learning about an adoption situation from another's perspective. I feel it is so important to share our story! We can lift each other up and offer strength and support.

Language

I LOVE this article & just wanted to share it!
Everyone should read this to help encourage positive associations with adoption:
____________________________________________________

The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important but one is not more important than the other.

Choose the following positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you'll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.

Positive language

Birthparent
Biological parent
Birth child
My child

Born to unmarried parents

Terminate parental rights

To parent

Waiting child

Biological father

Making contact with

Parent

International adoption

Adoption triad

Permission to sign a release

Search

Child placed for adoption

Court termination

Child with special needs

Child from abroad

Was adopted

Negative language

Real parent

Natural parent

Own child

Adopted child; Own child

IllegitimateGive up
Give away
To keep
Adoptable child; Available child
Begetter
Reunion
Adoptive parent
Foreign adoption
Adoption triangle
Disclosure
Track down parents
An unwanted child
Child taken away
Handicapped child
Foreign child
Is adopted


Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. When a TV movie talks about a custody battle between "real parents" and "other parents " society gets the wrong impression that only birth parents are real parents and that adoptive parents aren't real parents. Members of society may also wrongly conclude that all adoptions are "battles."


Positive adoption language can stop the spread of misconceptions such as these. By using positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption. We choose emotionally "correct" words over emotionally laden words. We speak and write in positive adoption language with the hopes of impacting others so that this language will someday become the norm.

                         © 1995 Adopting Resources. All Rights Reserved.Adopting Resources
____________________________________________________

Placement

I chose to be as comfortable as possible at my placement. I wanted it to be one of the things I had control over and got to plan. And, it went even better than I had planned it to go in my head.

I decided to have it at my parent’s home, with all my family there. My parents and my four siblings sat on the left of me while I held baby E. The adoptive couple and their daughter M sat to the right of me. My case worker was there as well to help mediate. I had shared with him how I wanted things to go beforehand and that helped me feel more confident that I could rely on him to help out if needed.

My mom made breakfast for everyone. They all chatted and had a good time eating together while I got some more time to be with E alone. My little sister kept begging to hold her, but I wouldn’t let her. I was enjoying the time I had with her in my home.

We gave the adoptive family the presents we had made or bought for them and for E. My mom made a beautiful pink and black quilt for E and a mini matching one for a doll we bought for M (E’s older sister). I gave them the scrapbook I had been working on for months. It included letters from many of my extended family members and close friends to E. I also made a page for each of my siblings & my parents, with their letters included. We also gave them some other clothes and cute things for baby E. The adoptive couple gave me a photo album of pictures from the previous week we had shared together with E in the hospital. I loved it, along with the cards they had given me with their thoughts and feelings.

We went around and everyone got to say a little bit about how they were feeling, and this was the emotional part. It ended being almost a testimony meeting as almost everyone brought God into their comments. I loved hearing from everyone and almost wish I had recorded it. It was especially nice to hear the adoptive father’s thoughts because he is a pretty quiet person. He told me that ‘his heart ached for me’ and that really comforted me. I knew that he understood how bad I was hurting and how much I would later on.

Towards the end, I passed E to my sister and she then passed her on to the rest of the family. Each of them got to hold her one more time and say goodbye. This was important to me because they were such a huge part of this process for me. They loved her so much and always would.

Finally, I was ready for the end to come. We all stood up and I motioned to my case worker that it was time. We all hugged and said our goodbyes. Then my caseworker quietly let the adoptive father know that I would give him E and I did. I chose to give her to him because mentally it was just easier. I wasn’t ready to give her to a new mother just yet, but was glad to give her to her father. They packed up their things in their car and were off. I sort of wish I wasn’t there for the packing up of things and seeing her be put into her new car seat into her new family’s car. It was just an unnecessary pain.

After they were gone, I had peace. I wasn’t crying anymore. I was with my family and E was with hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I missed her already, but I expected that. I was grateful to have my family with me and know that they loved and supported me in my decision. I was glad that I got to have the placement go the way I wanted it to. It was as perfect as it could have been.

My family & I at the placement with E

Telling

This is what every birth parent dreads…telling their parents that they are pregnant. I dreaded it for so long that it basically had to be pried out of me. 

When I was 12 weeks along, I went home to my parent’s house for Christmas. I had known I was pregnant for about 7 weeks. My best friend Chrissy and the birth father were the only ones that knew my secret. These 7 weeks were the worst of my life. I was alone and depressed and torn inside. I wanted to get away from P more than anything, but I was worried that if I left him, I would have no one. I wasn’t sure if my parents would want me anymore. I had a plan in mind to go back to P and move to Hawaii if my parents didn’t want me to be with them. Every time I talked to my mom or dad on the phone I ached to tell them. I needed help but was so scared.

While I was home for Christmas, I kept hoping that my mother would realize I was pregnant. I was sick and didn’t eat much, and at Christmas that is very peculiar for me! Well, she didn’t. A few days before I had planned to go back to Provo, my mom was inspired to schedule a doctor’s appointment for me (A few weeks before I had slipped on the ice and my ankle still hurt). I knew that this meant they would take an X-Ray. And that the doctor would put the little guard on me to protect against damage to a fetus (hopefully).

When we got to the doctor’s office, as expected, I was put in the X-Ray room. But, the doctor didn’t put the guard on! Inside I was debating on asking him if he was going to, because I really didn’t want my baby to be hurt, but at the same time I was worried that it would lead to more questions. Before I could ask, he peeked his head back in and asked, “Is there any way that you could be pregnant?” Wow, worst question he could possibly ask. And in front of my mother! I feebly answered ‘Yes’. The doctor could see that this was the first time I had admitted it to my mom and hurriedly put on the guard and stepped out. Once he did, my mom said “You are??”.

The rest of the doctor’s visit was horrible. I was only a tiny bit relieved that my mom knew, because she was understandably very upset. She wanted more details and I couldn’t even talk. I silently cried throughout the rest of the appointment. The poor nurses and doctor…I feel so bad for them, how awkward! On the ride home I was able to tell her a little more. She told me that as soon as we got home she was going to go get my dad and we would talk about it in their room. 

I sat in their room and bawled. I was still so scared of their response. When my dad came up he held me for a long time and I felt loved. I was finally able to give them some more details. They were concerned that I really did want to go back to P, because I had already lied to them and said that we were no longer together. I confirmed that I knew I didn’t want to be with him. My dad told me I was welcome at their home, as long as I abided by their rules. I had to be honest with them, go to the doctor, meet with my bishop and go to LDS Family Services to talk to someone about my options. I was happy to hear this, as much as it pained me to know I had hurt them. 

My parents told my younger brothers and my older sister that same day. They all hugged me and cried with me. I was glad they knew, but I still felt alone. I knew how hard my journey was going to be and I still had to officially break it off with P. 

That next week my parents took me to Provo and we packed up my things at my apartment. I left P’s things outside his home and left him a goodbye note. He knew this was coming, but it still hurt so bad. 

I am so grateful that I was able to tell my parents. Once I did, I found hope in my future and my baby’s as well. I got the help I needed, but was too afraid and ashamed to ask for.

Miracles

Have you ever seen a miracle,
Beheld one with your eyes,
Seen the magic & the mystery,
The wonder & suprise?

Have you ever touched a miracle,

With your fingertips?

Have you ever kissed a miracle,

Brushed one with your lips?

Have you ever held a miracle,

Gently in your arms?

Knowing that you must protect,

This precious gift from harm?

Have you ever loved a miracle,

Loved right from the start,
Loved with all your being,
Loved with all your heart?

I have done all these things,
I do them everyday,
I see miracles grow & learn,
I see them laugh & play.

I'm an ordinary person,
Not special at all, you see.
God gave me not one miracle,
He saw fit to give me three.


© 2000 Sue Saladino

I found this poem on adoption.com and I love it! It was written by an adoptive mother of three. Babies are such miracles on their own and when adoption is involved, so many more miracles can occur.

E was my miracle. She changed my life for the better and saved me from so much unhappiness. E was also a miracle for her adoptive family. They love her so much and feel blessed everyday to have her as a part of their lives.

Miracles follow all forms of adoption.

Being A Birthmother's Husband

I got these questions from Stepanie's Blog and thought it was a great idea!

Here are some questions that my husband Scott answered about being married to a birth mother:

1. How did you meet?

We met at a church institute class.

2. How did she tell you about her adoption?

I had already figured out that she had placed a baby for adoption before she ever told me. (she had pictures of a baby and talked about adoption a lot) I asked her over dinner after we had been dating for awhile if she had had a baby.

3. How did you react?

I was happy that she let me know about that part of her life and that we could be more open with each other in our relationship. I think from that point on we became a lot closer.

4. What do you talk about when you talk about the child she placed? How often?

She has a very open adoption and we talk about her child very often. We talk about how she misses her and the experience of being pregnant and also about the birthfather sometimes.

5. How do you know she's having a "low time” & how do you help her heal?

Being a part of her life for so long now I can tell when she is thinking of her child and when the hard times are. Around the birth date and mother’s day are usually the hardest days for her. All I can really do for her is be there for her. You can’t stop the pain but you can help it…just hold her.

6. If there is a girl, who doesn't know when to tell a guy that she's a birth mom, when would be a good time to tell her significant other? 

I am an open person and I was very glad that I found out early in our relationship. But that is not true for every guy. I think that the birthmother has to feel comfortable and know she can trust the other person.

7. Does your family know about her being a birth mom? 

Yes. My family does know and they still love and adore my wife. It takes a very strong person to give their baby up for adoption and my family loves her for that and supports her 100%.

8. How did they react? 

Surprised at first but after being able to ask questions and talk with my wife they respect and love her more than ever.

9. Do you plan on telling your children about their half brother/sister? 

Yes. E is as much a part of our family as they will be.

10. How would your relationship be different if she hadn't placed?  

Honestly I don’t think there would be that much of a difference in our relationship if she hadn’t. I love her no matter what.

11. Do you think you would've met or even dated her if she single parented? 

If she had kept the baby I think it would have been a little more intimidating at first, but I would like to think that yes I still would have dated her.

12. How has adoption affected your relationship? 

It has opened my eyes to a whole new world I didn’t know was out there. I enjoy volunteering or working with my wife on adoption stuff to help other families out there.

13. Have you met her baby? 

Yes I have. And I love E very much

14. Do you feel like the baby comes first in your relationship? Or you feel second best? 

No not at all. E is a very important part of our relationship but no one person comes before each other.

15. Are you worried that she won't love your children as much as her first child?  

Not at all. She is a loving person and has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met in my life. She has a limitless space in her heart for love.

Wow, isn't he awesome? I am so lucky and blessed to have such 
an understanding and loving husband! 

Scott with E last year in California

You Are Not Alone

I watched this video for the first time today and I love it! I have always loved this song, but the video portrays the meaning so well.
Enjoy:


I know that often times I feel like I am so alone in the world. I think we all experience that at different times in our lives. The feeling of being LOST is one of the worst. I always used to say that my worst fear was being alone, and I think that is still true. But, we are not alone. We often chose to be alone. Out of fear, shame, low self-esteem, or depression.

I think that it is important to make it a priority to surround yourself with a support system throughout your adoption experience. All of us (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents) need that.  Attending adoption conferences, firesides, support groups and just spending time with people involved in adoption can really help.

Involving yourself in FSA and serving others can help ease your own load.  I know that I made it through the placement of E because of the support and examples I got from my Birth Mom group. Sometimes it can be hard to surround yourself in adoption because of the painful reminders, but at the same time it is comforting to know others have been where you are now.  Let others know you are hurting. Someone always cares.

"Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together..."

Joy

Adoption brings so much joy!

I know I may elaborate on some of the pain and heartache involved, but the purpose of adoption is to bring happiness to all involved. The main reason I placed my beautiful daughter for adoption was because I wanted her to have joy with her eternal family. And, she does! This picture of her was from our last visit together. She is such a happy little girl who brings joy to all around her! She has the greatest laugh and I love seeing her interact with everyone she meets.

Adoption also brings joy to the adoptive couple. They are able to grow the thing that matters most to them, their family. I believe that families can be together forever and therefore, lasting happiness can be achieved!
My family means more to me than anything, and I know that E does, and will, feel the same about her wonderful little family. I am so glad I could help bring them together. I love seeing them be together in their day to day activities. I love seeing the love E and her big sister have for each other. I hope they will always be great friends.

Adoption has also brought me immense joy. As much heartache I have felt, I have felt as much joy. I have been able to achieve so much in my life and experience happiness that I never thought I could, before I placed E. Adoption has forced me to grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the better. Adoption gave me a second chance at a life full of love and joy. Seeing E and learning about her life will always bring me so much happiness.

I LOVE ADOPTION!

Repentance

My repentance was a HUGE step in placing E for adoption. 

I focused on my repentance with the Lord all throughout my pregnancy and for awhile after wards, as well. It was very important for me to be forgiven by God of the things I had done, leading up to my pregnancy. 

I was raised to be actively involved in church and loved being a part of the LDS Church. I knew the gospel to be true and all the teachings as well. I loved it and the feelings I felt there. I was so grateful to have parents that taught me the teachings of Jesus Christ while I grew up. I always wanted to be worthy to attend the temple and someday be married there as well. When I lost that worthiness it was heartbreaking. 

I was lost and stuck in my miserable situation. I knew I wanted to get out and do all I could to go back, but the guilt overwhelmed me. Also, I was in a very abusive relationship that I couldn't plan, or seem to find, my way out of. I felt too bad about myself to pray. I was on my own and thought I could get out on my own. I couldn't. Time after time, it didn't work, I needed help.

It wasn't until after I had found out I was pregnant (about 5 weeks along) that I finally prayed. I was at the lowest point I have ever been. I had lost the will to live. I couldn't see a future, all I could see was unhappiness and pain. It felt like my life was a blur. I was cold inside and out, everything felt dark. I prayed for help. I knew I needed it, and soon. Finally I was able to 'tell' my parents, and get the help I was aching for. It was then that my repentance began. 

I met with my bishop regularly throughout my pregnancy. I confessed what I had done and been involved with. I worked, hard. I prayed daily. I read the scriptures daily. I felt God's love for me. Somehow he still loved me and truly wanted me to be happy. I read 'The Miracle of Forgiveness' everyday on my breaks at work. I filled my life with good things. It was a huge contrast for me and part of me missed my old life. But, I now had joy. 

President Spencer W. Kimball said:  

"To every forgiveness there is a condition...The fasting, the prayers, the humility must be equal to or greater than the sin. There must be a broken heart and a contrite spirit...There must be tears and genuine change of heart. There must be conviction of the sin, abandonment of the evil, confessional of the error" (The Miracle of Forgiveness [1969], 353).

For awhile I wasn't sure if I had been forgiven. I had completed all the 'steps' of repentance, but I just didn't know. I would still think of and remember my sins and that confused me. It wasn't until President Uchtdorf's talk in April 2007's General Conference that I got my answer:

"Satan will try to make us believe that our sins are not forgiven because we can remember them. Satan is a liar; he tries to blur our vision and lead us away from the path of repentance and forgiveness. God did not promise that we would not remember our sins. Remembering will help us avoid making the same mistakes again. But if we stay true and faithful, the memory of our sins will be softened over time. This will be part of the needed healing and sanctification process. Alma testified that after he cried out to Jesus for mercy, he could still remember his sins, but the memory of his sins no longer distressed and tortured him, because he knew he had been forgiven (see Alma 36:17–19)."

This was so perfect for me! I realized I had been forgiven, because the memory of my sins truly no longer 'distressed and tortured' me. I had peace! I no longer was ashamed to go to church, but happy to be there.

"Once we have truly repented, Christ will take away the burden of guilt for our sins. We can know for ourselves that we have been forgiven and made clean. The Holy Ghost will verify this to us; He is the Sanctifier. No other testimony of forgiveness can be greater. " (Elder Uchtdorf's talk)

Repentance is possible, no matter what you have done, or what has been done to you. I am so grateful for Christ's atonement for my sins and for His continued love for me. 

Forgiveness

"True forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."

I heard this quote a couple years ago, when I was really struggling with losing P and E. I was constantly wondering what could have been if we were a family and wishing P had stepped up to be a good father and hopeful husband. I thought I had fully forgiven P and moved on. But, every time I thought of E and visited her, I saw P in her. I saw the life we could have had. I couldn't help but think that we should be the ones raising her and celebrating her life, not her adoptive parents. For awhile I was in a pretty deep depression.

I finally realized I needed to let go of P and our 'future'. He was gone and I had chosen that. I had chosen E to be placed with her wonderful parents and that was where she needed to be. I had to fully forgive P for 'destroying' the future I had planned in my mind. I had to stop wishing and hoping things had turned out different and give up that 'hope for a better past'.

I had to live in the here and now, which was not easy. I had to again gravitate towards things that would bring me lasting happiness and not the fun, short lived events that brought future sorrow. I was able to focus on myself and my testimony. I began to pray again, do some repenting and actively attend church; surrounding myself with uplifting people and places. I got back on track to happiness.

While I was pregnant, I was able to forgive P for the physical and emotional things he had done to me. How? Well, it took a lot of prayer and love. I knew I would not be forgiven myself or have peace until I forgave him. What truly helped me was knowing that we are all so different and that we all come from different environments. P and I had very different upbringings, and he experienced a lot of pain during his young life. He went to drugs and alcohol to suppress the pain and anger. He didn't know how to love. Whereas I had a wonderful example of very happy and loving parents, with very little sorrow in my young life. I knew that I could not control or change the man he was and I knew that he did the best he thought he could, many times.

Once I forgave him, I was able to forgive myself. The nightmares and frequent crying lessened and then stopped. It brought me so much peace.

Sperm Donor

This term is often heard throughout the adoption world.
We consider some birth fathers as merely 'Sperm Donors'. Why? Well, because many of us believe that all we got out of the relationship or from the man was his sperm. Sometimes thats all he cares to give, and sometimes we don't know him well enough to expect much more. More often than not, we use this as a very negative term.

I like to refer to E's biological father as a 'birth father'. Many would consider him a Sperm Donor because he was not at all involved in my adoption process (except when he helped complicate things) and has never even seen a picture of E. But, he knew about her and I know that he loved her (or at least the idea of her). I hope he still thinks about her and that maybe someday he will change his life enough so that they could have some sort of relationship.

I was once very in love with P and so I had that desire for us to be a family. It was hard to let go of that idea and grieve the loss of that as well as the loss of my daughter. I chose for him to not be involved. I told him he didn't really have a say in my choice, because he wasn't taking any sort of responsibility. But, because of that, I consider him her Birth Father and not my sperm donor. I know he could have done much more to be involved and took some initiative, but I knew he wouldn't. Thats not his personality, unfortunately. But, at the same time I am glad things worked out the way they have, because I know it was best for E. Also, it was the only way I could guarantee that I would never go back to him.

Here's to sperm donors and birth fathers that don't stand in the way of adoption (whether they mean to or not) !



P & I on our last day in Hawaii together



Choosing

So, my hubby actually gave me the idea for my post today. He is very supportive of my daily blogging for National Adoption Month and was brainstorming with me. :)

Many people, especially adoptive couples and future birth moms, ask me how I chose E's parents. How did I know they were the ones? How could I decide who I would give my child to?

Well, first of all, it obviously wasn't an easy thing to choose. But, compared to many other birth mother's stories, I feel like it was a pretty smooth process. After I told my parents that I was pregnant and all that drama ensued, my dad directed me to LDS Family Service's webpage, http://www.itsaboutlove.com/. At this point I was already strongly considering adoption, based on the abusive relationship with the birth father, or sperm donor. I decided to look at some profiles and see if there was any hope of finding a fitting family for my baby. 

On the site there are some search options. 

I chose: 

1. Parents without biological children 

2. Couples living in Utah, Washington, Hawaii and California.

3. Couples between ages 25-40

4. Couples with 3 children or less

5. Couples that would accept children of all races

After I clicked 'search', I got what seemed like hundreds of profiles. The option that wasn't listed was the ethnicity of the adoptive couple. I wanted to choose 'Polynesian'. But, because I couldn't, I looked through a dozen or so profiles and became overwhelmed because none of them were what I wanted. My baby would be half Samoan and so I wanted my child to have at least one parent that was as well. 

Culture was very important to the birth father and I loved that about him. I wanted to instill that into my child as well and having a Polynesian parent would increase the chances of that happening. When I thought about, and sometimes planned, raising my baby by myself, I promised myself that I would learn Samoan so that I could teach it to my child and they would grow up knowing the great things about their culture.

So, I began scanning the pages and pages of adoptive couple profiles on the website for Polynesian (mostly Samoan, Tongan, and Hawaiian) names. I finally found one! It was the adoptive father's name (they only show first names) and it was Hawaiian, so I recognized it from my time living in Hawaii. I loved what they wrote in their profile and I loved the pictures as well. I loved that they traveled around the world and that their different cultures were very vivid in their lives. I loved how much they seemed to adore their daughter. 

At this point I was about 13 weeks along in my pregnancy. I hadn't been to LDS Family Services yet or talked to a case worker at all. But, I wanted to contact this couple. So, I did! I clicked on the link to email them the next day, after re-examining their online profile and knowing that they could be a possible family for my baby.  I sent my first email to my couple on January 3rd, 2007. I was very clueless as to how earnestly adoptive couples are hoping and praying for children to grow their family and was actually worried that they would not be interested in having my baby. 

My email went something like this:

"Aloha,   I am a Haole girl and am wondering if you would be interested in adopting a half samoan baby. I am not sure of the sex yet, but I am about 2 months along. Culture is very important to me and I want her to be raised knowing about her Samoan culture. Thanks"

I felt brave for doing this and somewhat at ease, although I was anxiously awaiting a response. I got this the next day:

"Dear “Haole” Girl

L:(adoptive mom) Thank you so much for your e-mail. I loved it! I’m currently in Sweden with our daughter, and halfway through the letter I called my husband in the middle of the night (in California) and told him about it. He got very excited too, and we are now both writing you on two different ends of the earth. It feels like I have a million questions to you, but I will first respond to yours.

You asked if we would be interested in having a half Samoan baby. Our answer is YES, without a doubt. We would be honored and deeply grateful to get such a wonderful responsibility. We love the Polynesian culture and we love going to Hawaii and the PCC. My husband loves to dance and he has taught our “palangi” daughter too. She loves it. I have even learned how to dance some Hawaiian dances. We went to Hawaii on our Honeymoon 10 years ago and have been back twice since. Both our cultures are very important to us, and we want our children to take part of both. We all love to travel to visit friends and family or just explore.

We both feel that we can give a part Samoan child a cultural upbringing. We also have some very good friends from our former ward who are both Samoan, and if we feel we want to know more about the Samoan culture we can always come to them.

H:(adoptive father) Aloha! I understand the importance of culture and ones heritage. You might have noticed that Polynesians think and act a little differently then other people. I value my heritage and appreciate the fact that my dad had us live on the islands of Tonga. The dances and songs of our people tell stories and install pride of that heritage. I love the gospel and try to do my best to live its values. I love the Book of Mormon and that my ancestors are the descendants of those written inside its pages. The beginning of the Polynesian legacy continues even now. I have all sorts of Polynesian music…mainly Tongan and Samoan that I listen to. I enjoy watching and performing Polynesian dances. It would be an honor to raise a poly.

L: We were both very excited to hear from you and we would love to hear from you again. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask. We would also love to know more about you and the birthfather. Take care and Happy New Year!

Sending love from California and Sweden,

H and L"

You can see why I chose them, right? Their letter brought me to tears and I thought I might actually be able to go through with placing because my baby could be a part of this great family. 

I later went to the LDSFS agency and met with a case worker, all the while continuing to write my adoptive couple. We emailed at least once a week, the entire time I was pregnant. They were a huge support to me through all the trials. I cherish those emails. We got to know each other and built trust. 

We had our first 'face-to-face' when I was in my 7th month of pregnancy. This was hard. The weeks right before it were incredibly hard. I questioned my desire to place daily. I had built a relationship with them over email, but meeting them in person was entirely different. What if I didn't like them or didn't feel good about it? I truly had to seek out help from my Heavenly Father. I asked that he give me PEACE so that I would know if they were the right family for my baby. 

The couple and their daughter (at my request) flew up to Idaho to meet with me and my parents. We first met at the agency. Holy anxiety. My case worker met me and my parents in a different room at first, to help us prep. The couple was already there, waiting in the other room. I asked him funny little questions, like 'do they seem nice', and 'what are they wearing?' After a few minutes, I was ready to go in.

At first it was pretty awkward, I'm not going to lie. I was overwhelmed and had a hard time concentrating. The adoptive mom was talking a lot and I was only focusing on the fact that she had an accent. I never put two and two together before to realize that she would, seeing as she lived most her life in Sweden. I had a picture of them in my mind before we met, and honestly it was much different from how they really were. This was not bad at all, just different and I had to adapt. I reminded myself throughout the meeting that this was the couple I had been talking to and become close with. I just had to connect those feelings to these real people with me. 

The meeting got much better as it went on and we ending up talking for a couple hours. At the end they brought in their daughter. I loved that, and she was a wonderful, super smart little girl. I could definitely picture my baby being her sister. I loved seeing how well adjusted she was and how much she was loved. We planned on meeting again for breakfast the next day before they had to leave town. That went great as well and I was amazed at the peace I felt. This was my answer. Everything was going to be okay. It would be incredibly hard, but I knew it would be great. My baby was going to have a wonderful family.

It was around this time that I was finally able to confirm that I had chosen them.

This was their response:

"We are thrilled that you have made it official and chosen us as adoptive parents for your baby girl. We couldn't be happier right now! We are starting to tell our family and some friends and everyone is so happy for us. Adoption is such a wonderful thing."

It was incredibly hard to mentally confirm that they were the family, although I think I knew it all along. I postponed it as long as possible, because it felt like I was losing a part of my baby once I told them. She was no longer entirely mine, she was ours. And that hurt. But, I was so grateful for the peace I felt. They were amazing throughout everything. I couldn't have asked for a better family for my baby. I love them and now they are my family as well. 

My parents, Me, and The Adoptive Family @ The 'Face-to-Face'

Grief

You don't get over it, you just get through it.
You don't get by it, because you can't get around it.
It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different.
Everyday . . . Grief puts on a new face .

                                        ~Wendy Feireisen

My friend Tara shared this quote with me (she always finds the greatest stuff!) and I love it! It is so incredibly true and a perfect explanation.

Grief comes to you when you least expect it. And you absolutely can't 'get by it' when it hits you in the face and you just begin bawling.  My most intense feelings of grief have taken place unplanned and when I was totally caught off guard. You never know what will trigger grief and I believe that sometimes your body just needs to release the pain. At times I haven't even been thinking about my baby or placement, but I'd feel a difference in my demeaner and eventually it would lead to a crying session or at least an admittance of the emotions. When we suppress these feelings and deny them, I know that it can lead to depressive breakdowns and/or episodes.

What I've learned to do is accept the feelings of my heart and my body and allow them to show themselves. That is not an easy thing most of the time. I've had to practice the technique and learn to not judge the way I was feeling, but to recognize it and decide how to deal with it. Sometimes we, especially women, just need to vocalize the feelings and the pain. Other times we need to make changes in our lives to encourage healing.

I love the 3rd line of this poem, 'It doesn't get better, it just gets different'.  People often ask me if I'm doing better or if the pain is better. I often just say yes because it avoids a long explanation that I don't care to give them, but truly it is just different. It is less fresh sometimes, and therefore less painful. But at other times it is more intense, because it has been longer since placement. It doesn't go away and I don't expect it to. Feeling pain shows us that we are alive.

It bothers me when people ask if I am 'over it', or tell me that I will get 'over it' and move on. I don't want to get over it. I want to keep it close forever. But, I now know I am able to get through the grief when it comes. I wasn't always sure that I could, but I did. And I will continue to.

I promise that all of us can get through our grief, there is always hope. People can help. Seek help if you need it. Pray for strength and let people know you are struggling.

If you are on the other end, watching a person experience grief; show your love and support so that when they need help, they know they can come to you and not be judged.

Abortion

WOW, huge topic, right?

Just seeing the word sparks so many emotions inside all of us. Many are appalled, others are unsure and most seem to think of politics and human rights. It's amazing what things people will do regarding the life of a child. I think that as humans we inherently and absolutely love and adore children. Then why are there so many abortions? Well, its the choices we as a human race make that take us to that action. 

Our choices and thoughts are affected by the society we live in. Daily interactions with authorities and media encourage and confuse us. Organizations promote and allow behaviors. People aren't perfect, although they sometimes have good intentions. We underestimate procreation and women get pregnant. Unplanned. Often alone. Sometimes abused. 

As one of these women that was once single, unwed and unhappily pregnant, I have felt and understand the desire to terminate a pregnancy. I used to dream that I would fall down the stairs. I used to pray for a miscarriage. But, for me abortion was not an option. Although that would have relieved me from the heavy burden of bearing a child on my own, I knew in my heart it was not the path for me. Did I consider the thought? Yes. Did I picture myself going to a clinic and envision the procedure? Yes. But, I knew I was not at the point emotionally or physically to go through with it. I still had options and I would survive. My baby could be happy and so could I. So, I dismissed the thought.

I know that this is not the case for thousands of women. Some are out of options and the survival instinct traps them. Some cannot see a future as a mother and they panic. Some know that their child may be better off and safer not coming to this world. Is this her decision? Well, you are welcome to your opinion, but I don't think anyone can know until they are in her shoes. I know and love many women that have chosen the option of abortion at one time in their life and I truly believe that this does not make them a bad person. They were surviving.

I believe that many women use abortion as a first option and not as a last resort. I pray that someday we can more fully educate women about all their options and the hope in each. I also believe that many women do use abortion as a last resort and they know in their hearts that it was the best and safest decision for them and their child. I love and pray for these women to be able to overcome the challenges in their lives at the time of the abortion and fight for a better future, because they are worth it.

I believe that God loves every child. Born and unborn. I know that he knows all of us equally, no matter our decisions on this Earth. I trust Him to be the judge of mankind. Our job is to love one another and better the lives around us.

I am thankful that Adoption was the best option for me because of the joy it has brought me and my child.