Alone

Right now I am heartbroken.
I have been hurt over and over again by the only man I’ve ever loved. What makes a man so angry that he could do such mean things to the woman he loves? And why can’t I just hate him for all he’s done? All I’ve ever done is offer him forgiveness and love and still the pain is there. I hurt so badly inside right now, for everything.
Why couldn’t he just love me?
I tried so hard to please him. Did everything I could and gave all I had and now there is nothing left of me.
I have felt the love of family and friends, but there I nothing like the love of a male companion at your side. Sometimes I just want to be with him for that so badly, but know it will only bring more pain.
No woman should ever have to bear a child without her man.

Betrayal

I am not showing at all yet...I feel like I am, but I'm not. My midwife said this

month is when I will start growing. The projected due date is around July

15th. I do want to find out the gender before, and she said I could do that

pretty soon...so we will see. 

It is definitely a good thing to tell P that I'm still pregnant, I've realized this. I'm just

kind of scared, only because I don't want to hurt him and his family...but

I know I have to do it sometime in the future. When I first realized I was

pregnant I told Pati. He was so happy...this was his dream, to get me

pregnant so that I would actually marry him...since I only wanted a temple

marriage. So, for about a month we thought we were having a baby together

and so many things were going wrong and we were fighting, basically because

I was stressed about what we were going to do. He asked me to marry him and

I told him I knew I couldnt marry him. Neither of us was happy and I told

him I needed a honorable and righteous man to be the father of my child.

This is when I decided to leave him, and in order for that to happen I told

him that I had a miscarriage...so that it was a false alarm. He then wanted to

work towards a temple marriage and I just told him that no, this showed me

that it was truly over, because that was the only reason I was even with

him still. 

So, I decided to do this on my own and moved home, away from

him. The break was actually a lot more smooth than I expected, I think

because we had been going towards that for awhile. Now, I haven't talked to

him in about a month...but I have heard that he is sad and sometimes still

can't understand why I left. He always had trouble understanding why it

wouldn't work. Because he always thought that just being together was

enough, and I always wanted more.

So, after we have had more time apart I will tell him my plans and am

praying that it will all go smoothly. I know he will not do the necessary

things, according to law, in order to have a say in the adoption. So, I am

not worried about that. I just hope he understands. I feel like I am betraying him.

Future Love

My Husband List:

1. Trust: he has to trust me fully. Trust that I am faithful to him and always want the best for us. I have to trust him to be faithful and honest with me.

2. Temple Worthy: He has to be temple worthy and understand the great importance of that in his life. He must value his temple covenants

3. Honest: All his dealings in his life are honest. Especially at work and in the church

4. Respectful: Have respect and admiration for all people, especially elders and women. Respects other’s cultures and lifestyles.

5. Hard worker: Knows and understand the value of work. Will always strive to provide for his family.

6. Even-tempered: doesn’t yell frequently or lose his temper easily. Stays calm and never screams at me.

7. Fatherly: is kind and gentle towards children and me. Will always protect.

8. Unselfish: wants me to be happy and to have a good life, along with our family. Doesn’t make things entirely about him, while sacrificing other’s well being.

Living

Things are going good, staying busy. I went to my first doctor’s appointment today. I am going to a midwife that was recommended by LDS Family Services here. I really like her and their office seems good. We just talked a little and she said everything looked fine and I got to hear the Baby’s heartbeat! It was awesome to finally have some proof that a child is living inside of mE, because sometimes things seem so surreal. It was fun.

I also went to an appointment at LDS Family Services this week. My counselors are very good and kind and one is actually in the bishopric at my church. They gave me more information and answered some questions. They told me that at some point I will have to tell P that I am still pregnant, so that there are no future complications with the adoption. I am going to wait a month or two, until I have more closure with him. I am not worried though, because I think he will understand that this is my decision, no matter how sad he might be.

Idaho is pretty good. Mostly it is just nice to spend some more time with my family, although I haven’t made too many friends, but hopefully will soon.

I have been thinking somewhat about the openness of the adoption. I know I definitely want it somewhat open…like just keeping in some kind of contact, maybe receiving pictures once in awhile, that kind of thing. I know some girls who stay with the family for awhile at first, but I think this would be way too hard for me. We will see...