Right now I am not too sure about my plans for after the baby comes.
While I am on maternity leave I am planning on going to my family reunion in Utah and then possibly making a trip to Minneapolis where all my friends will be working this summer...but only if I'm up for it. When things get back to normal I am probably going to stick around here in Idaho for awhile. Right now I'm thinking thats the best thing for me. And hopefully I can then get really involved in Institute and a students ward, which will make life a lot more fun.
I don't really love my job, (actually I pretty much hate it) so I'm hoping not to be here too long after the baby comes, but I do have to pay off those student loans. As soon as those are done with though I hope to go get my masters. Not sure where yet, or what in...but I'll figure it out. I would love to go somewhere overseas again...like new zealand or austrailia...but my family wants me closer. Seems like everytime I leave home I get into some kind of trouble. But, I love being independent, which is why I feel so trapped right now.
March 31, 2007
March 26, 2007
Choices
Overall I am doing pretty good. Mostly I just get bored of the monotonous schedule I've got going on, and being away from people my age. I just get really lonely. Basically just when I see and hear about all the fun things my friends are doing without me. I cry a lot...its so annoying. I promise I try to be happy & positive! But my family is great and my mom and I have become really good friends. She understands and always tries to cheer me up and we find stuff to do. Mostly I just look forward to the little trips I have planned and when my friends are planning on visiting.
I still think about P a lot of course, & I think he still lives in Utah with his sister. I haven't heard anything from him, mostly because he doesnt have my home phone. But people continue to randomly call my cell ever since I told him I was placing, just like his cousins and his sister. I need to change the number. I do not think he will interfere with the adoption at all. First of all because I know he will not do the necesary things in order to have a say in the adoption. For Idaho law he has to register with the Paternal registrar or something and also be accountable for most my medical costs.
First of all, he doesn't like legal things...since he doesn't have the greatest track record and thinks people are looking for him, and second of all, there is no way he could get that much money in time before the baby comes. Really, I am not worried about that at all anymore and feel peace over it all, although it does make me sad to think about the sadness he might feel about not having his baby. But I've also come to grips with that, at least enough to move on. I've realized that I always did give him every chance to be involved and I always gave him so many chances and warnings, telling him I would leave if he couldn't make the changes needed for the baby. Now I just hope he can learn from this and realize that he does have to be responible for his actions and work for what he really wants.
His whole family is LDS and a lot aren't active. I know a lot of them won't understand because they always only saw things from his side or else they didn't even know me. But there are a couple of people, namely his mother, who actually works at an adoption & foster child agency and is a very faithful member. I know she will have a better view on things and can help to calm or comfort him. They have a good relationship and she has always been understanding of me and my efforts with Pati.
My mom doesn't want my adoption to be open. Or at least doesn't want to be very involved. It hurts me. I know she has seen her little sister place her baby, and things were just so different back then, where everything was so closed, so I know she is kind of a little shocked about how open things can be now. I think she thinks it might be even harder for things to be open, so I might ask my worker to talk with her, because I have realized how much better having things open can be for healing and such. When my grandmother went through it I know it was really hard for her and she told my mom about her experience and that its going to be hard, but I want to talk to my grandma. I wonder if she thinks things would have been easier if she was able to meet the adoptive parents and keep in contact.
My adoptive couple wants me to give our baby her middle name. I still haven't really thought of one. Its so hard...I don't have too many ideas. Mostly I just want it to be something with some sort of sentimental value. The name E is very cute for a first name. Both the adoptive couple & I really like it. I have talked to her & called her that, & it seems to fit. We'll see if it does once she's born.
Well, its time for my lunch break so I better go...the baby seems to make me hungry all the time and I gotta eat some snacks on every break. I'm sick of eating!
I still think about P a lot of course, & I think he still lives in Utah with his sister. I haven't heard anything from him, mostly because he doesnt have my home phone. But people continue to randomly call my cell ever since I told him I was placing, just like his cousins and his sister. I need to change the number. I do not think he will interfere with the adoption at all. First of all because I know he will not do the necesary things in order to have a say in the adoption. For Idaho law he has to register with the Paternal registrar or something and also be accountable for most my medical costs.
First of all, he doesn't like legal things...since he doesn't have the greatest track record and thinks people are looking for him, and second of all, there is no way he could get that much money in time before the baby comes. Really, I am not worried about that at all anymore and feel peace over it all, although it does make me sad to think about the sadness he might feel about not having his baby. But I've also come to grips with that, at least enough to move on. I've realized that I always did give him every chance to be involved and I always gave him so many chances and warnings, telling him I would leave if he couldn't make the changes needed for the baby. Now I just hope he can learn from this and realize that he does have to be responible for his actions and work for what he really wants.
His whole family is LDS and a lot aren't active. I know a lot of them won't understand because they always only saw things from his side or else they didn't even know me. But there are a couple of people, namely his mother, who actually works at an adoption & foster child agency and is a very faithful member. I know she will have a better view on things and can help to calm or comfort him. They have a good relationship and she has always been understanding of me and my efforts with Pati.
My mom doesn't want my adoption to be open. Or at least doesn't want to be very involved. It hurts me. I know she has seen her little sister place her baby, and things were just so different back then, where everything was so closed, so I know she is kind of a little shocked about how open things can be now. I think she thinks it might be even harder for things to be open, so I might ask my worker to talk with her, because I have realized how much better having things open can be for healing and such. When my grandmother went through it I know it was really hard for her and she told my mom about her experience and that its going to be hard, but I want to talk to my grandma. I wonder if she thinks things would have been easier if she was able to meet the adoptive parents and keep in contact.
My adoptive couple wants me to give our baby her middle name. I still haven't really thought of one. Its so hard...I don't have too many ideas. Mostly I just want it to be something with some sort of sentimental value. The name E is very cute for a first name. Both the adoptive couple & I really like it. I have talked to her & called her that, & it seems to fit. We'll see if it does once she's born.
Well, its time for my lunch break so I better go...the baby seems to make me hungry all the time and I gotta eat some snacks on every break. I'm sick of eating!
March 18, 2007
Strength
I wrote this in response to my entry on 7/13/06: In my mind: Weakness
I think I have figured out what I need, so that I can overcome my weaknesses. For so long I have tried to be so independent and so strong on my own. I was ‘in charge’ of my life and doing what I chose. But now that I look back I realize I wasn’t doing anything I truly, deeply wanted to do. I let others decide who I was, the image I portrayed and what I did.
I know the main reason I am changing my life and doing the things I really want to do now is because I realized I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I needed help, and always will. I get that help and strength from the Lord, my family, the bishop, my case worker, and my good friends.
God doesn’t want us to be alone and true freedom comes from relying on others help.
I think I have figured out what I need, so that I can overcome my weaknesses. For so long I have tried to be so independent and so strong on my own. I was ‘in charge’ of my life and doing what I chose. But now that I look back I realize I wasn’t doing anything I truly, deeply wanted to do. I let others decide who I was, the image I portrayed and what I did.
I know the main reason I am changing my life and doing the things I really want to do now is because I realized I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I needed help, and always will. I get that help and strength from the Lord, my family, the bishop, my case worker, and my good friends.
God doesn’t want us to be alone and true freedom comes from relying on others help.
Progress
Today was a good day.
Lately I have been doing so much better. I don’t cry as much and feel so much more peace and hope. I love my baby so much. Right now I am about 24 weeks along.
I am not sick anymore, which has been so nice. Now I can enjoy the precious time I have with my baby. I am so thankful for her and the huge impact she has had on my life and others already. If I wasn’t pregnant, I don’t think I ever would have had the courage to leave P and I would have faced a lifetime of sadness, regret and emptiness. At times it has been so lonely without him, and I've missed him. But, I know I will always love him, no matter what happens. He put me through so much pain and suffering, but I also made wrong choices and it is not all his fault. I have forgiven him and pray for his happiness often. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, whether or not it meant us being together.
Lately I have been doing so much better. I don’t cry as much and feel so much more peace and hope. I love my baby so much. Right now I am about 24 weeks along.
I am not sick anymore, which has been so nice. Now I can enjoy the precious time I have with my baby. I am so thankful for her and the huge impact she has had on my life and others already. If I wasn’t pregnant, I don’t think I ever would have had the courage to leave P and I would have faced a lifetime of sadness, regret and emptiness. At times it has been so lonely without him, and I've missed him. But, I know I will always love him, no matter what happens. He put me through so much pain and suffering, but I also made wrong choices and it is not all his fault. I have forgiven him and pray for his happiness often. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, whether or not it meant us being together.
March 11, 2007
Guilt
Well, today has been a very trying day.
I finally got a number for P and called him tonight, with my dad. It started off fine, and he was happy to hear from me. Then I told him I called because I wanted to tell him that I was still pregnant. I said the miscarriage was a false alarm and that I had waited 2 months to tell him because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. During this whole time I could hear him crying a little.
Then I said I had decided on adoption and had found a good poly family who couldn't have children and wanted to give them our baby girl. He didn't understand this and said, if I didn't want the baby then why don't I just give it to him? I tried to explain that I want the baby more than anything and that this has been very hard for me, but it was the best thing for the baby. I told him that me and him were never going to work out and couldn't give the baby the temple marriage and sealing that I wanted for her.
He kept saying things and just trying to kinda talk me out of it and said, "well it sounds like you guys have just made your mind up and what about me?" Then my dad butted in and said "Well, maybe you should have thought about what you were doing and the responsibility and etc. We know this is best for the baby, and if you want to be involved you can, but you need to get in touch with LDS family services. I also told him that He could be involved and that the adoptive couple was willing, but he was dragging it and my dad had to finally end it because I was losing strength and he just kept trying to make me feel worse about the whole thing.
It was really hard for me, and I've cried a lot, just because its so sad for me that he doesn't understand and has never understood my values and the importance of the gospel. I don't want him to be hurt. But I do know I've done all I can at this point and whatever else is up to him. I can't let him continue to get me down. He just makes me feel like I have no control and no good intentions, which is not true. It just brought back old stuff, but I talked to my parents and my caseworker and I'm okay. At least it is over.
His parents adopted 5 children, within their extended family, the way that many polynesians do, so I brought that up and said its just like how his aunties gave his parents their children, so that they could have a better life. Hopefully someday he will realize my intentions.
Well, I will be okay, somehow.
I told my worker that I had decided on the adoptive family I've been talking to as my baby's family, so he said we could plan a face to face sometime soon if we want. I am excited to meet them, but so scared as well.
I finally got a number for P and called him tonight, with my dad. It started off fine, and he was happy to hear from me. Then I told him I called because I wanted to tell him that I was still pregnant. I said the miscarriage was a false alarm and that I had waited 2 months to tell him because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do. During this whole time I could hear him crying a little.
Then I said I had decided on adoption and had found a good poly family who couldn't have children and wanted to give them our baby girl. He didn't understand this and said, if I didn't want the baby then why don't I just give it to him? I tried to explain that I want the baby more than anything and that this has been very hard for me, but it was the best thing for the baby. I told him that me and him were never going to work out and couldn't give the baby the temple marriage and sealing that I wanted for her.
He kept saying things and just trying to kinda talk me out of it and said, "well it sounds like you guys have just made your mind up and what about me?" Then my dad butted in and said "Well, maybe you should have thought about what you were doing and the responsibility and etc. We know this is best for the baby, and if you want to be involved you can, but you need to get in touch with LDS family services. I also told him that He could be involved and that the adoptive couple was willing, but he was dragging it and my dad had to finally end it because I was losing strength and he just kept trying to make me feel worse about the whole thing.
It was really hard for me, and I've cried a lot, just because its so sad for me that he doesn't understand and has never understood my values and the importance of the gospel. I don't want him to be hurt. But I do know I've done all I can at this point and whatever else is up to him. I can't let him continue to get me down. He just makes me feel like I have no control and no good intentions, which is not true. It just brought back old stuff, but I talked to my parents and my caseworker and I'm okay. At least it is over.
His parents adopted 5 children, within their extended family, the way that many polynesians do, so I brought that up and said its just like how his aunties gave his parents their children, so that they could have a better life. Hopefully someday he will realize my intentions.
Well, I will be okay, somehow.
I told my worker that I had decided on the adoptive family I've been talking to as my baby's family, so he said we could plan a face to face sometime soon if we want. I am excited to meet them, but so scared as well.
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