Acting

Going from having a child, and feeling the change that comes from being a mother, back to living as if you never had that experience, is incredibly hard. Becoming a mother is truly life changing. How can I ever go back to the way life was before I was a mother? I know I never will go back, or would ever want to, emotionally. But, I am now forced to live as if it never happened, because of E's absence. It tears a person apart. I feel sometimes like I am living a lie, even though all those around me, that are close to me, know all about E and my life. I know why I will never feel whole again, because I never will be. This goes against all laws of nature, which is why it hurts so much and causes feelings of so much uncertainty.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, an amazing thing, but how much more amazing would this life be if we all just made great decisions the first time around? But, that is life and the only way we learn and grow. I absolutely know that to feel true happiness you have to feel true sorrow. To know how sweet life is, you have to taste the bitter. Holding onto that sweet, happy taste is the key to a happy life. For me, I always compare and try to recognize if the bitter is outnumbering the sweet. If it is, I know I have to make some changes. Happiness truly is a choice. If we are not happy, by and of ourselves, nothing else or no one else, will ever be able to make us happy. At least not for the long term.

I know that if I had E back with me, it wouldn't make everything right. I would be so happy with her, but there are still so many things bringing me down right now and holding me back. And those would still be there. Not to mention that I cannot provide E with a good father standing beside me. The key for me now is to find that strength and courage that can encourage me to find and do the things that will bring me eternal happiness. Giving E to her parents is something I know can, and does, bring me lasting happiness, although there are many times when it gives me temporary pain and sorrow. Remembering to focus on the eternal aspects of choices and situations is key to the understanding that will help me go on.

Living in the here and now, and doing positive things each day is what will get me to where I want to be.  Just planning 'tomorrows has given me a lot of empty yesterdays', and it is so discouraging. I WILL progress and act every day, to bring me to my goals. I will do it for me and I'll do it for E.

Direction

Dear E,

You are 8 months old now and it scares me. I have missed out on so much of your life already and more time is passing me by, every minute. You have started crawling! I still feel like I know you best as a tiny baby in my arms and I wish I could know you well at every stage of your life. I long to go back to that time we had in the hospital together. Back when you were mine and I was yours.

Please come back. Come back. Come back to me E. Back to where you needed me and no one else, and were comforted by me and were too small and helpless to ever leave. Who am I without you? What do I do without you? I still don’t know, and struggle to define what I am and what I want to be. It all just feels so meaningless without you. The last 8 months have been a blur. Have I accomplished anything? Where do I go from here? But, you have done and grown so much during these 8 months!

You are beautiful and strong and touching so many hearts with your sweet spirit. How can I keep up and be the woman I want to be? If only to show you that I am a good woman, with character. I wish you were here to help me be strong. But, you are strong, and that is what matters most. Seeing you and your family happy gives me hope and joy. I’m trying to find a way to help me to improve my life.

The thought of you never fails to make me happy. You give me substance and sustenance. I love you and cannot wait to hold you in my arms once more, if only for a little while. 

Love, Janessa