BE

ok, I just had the best talk ever with my girl Allie. I love her. we can be honest to each other & care about each other's happiness so much.
I know what I need to do. I need to focus on Me. I'm always trying to focus on others and help them or entertain them, because I don't want to think about my issues. I'm scared to be by myself, with myself. I'm afraid i'll get depressed and overwhelmed...because I do. then I just go find a new person to befriend & have fun with & the pattern never ends. I never seem to come out of these relationships as a better person, because all I do is listen to them & do what they want & let their decisions become my actions, etc. I am afraid to open up to them, because I don't want to come to grips with my own problems & don't want to weigh them down. so, I end up not opening at all & sharing the truly good, uplifting things with them. I feel like I just keep giving to these 'friends', when really, if I was my true self with them, I could give them so much more. I'm afraid of doing great things & offering my good qualities, because they've been trampled on before.
So, right now I need to focus on doing the things I want to do each day & setting & attaining small goals that will bring me closer to becoming the woman I want to be. even if that means spending more time at home, or alone time with myself...that can be so much more gratifying than meaningless parties & going out with all these 'friends' I have, all the time.
I want to be ready to commit to myself. commit to finally being who I want to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks I should be or am. I'm the only one that can change my life & make of it what I want. my time here is short & I'm sick of wasting it. I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything since I placed E, and I hate that. I feel like I've gone backwards. I'm ready to move forward. its for me. I want to dedicate myself to myself. I need to feel like Im worth it. I'm a total people pleaser & its finally time for me to be in control of MY LIFE.

Its always been up to you...

I'm so full of anger right now. I am not an angry person, and all I want to do is scream & beat the hell out of something. life just sucks right now. I'm so damn confused about where my lifes at. what do I want? what I really want is someone to see me for me. I'm sick of being disappointed. why can't all these stupid guys stop acting like boys and be men? its ok to love someone & be real with them. will we ever find someone that wants what we want? I want to be happy. I'm trying so hard to go on everyday, but all I can think about lately is the life I want is unattainable. I know I'm young, but I feel like my lifes been taken from me. my baby is gone. her father is gone. and with someone new. does he even give a shit? why do I have to be the one that suffers because he tried to get me pregnant & succeeded? where the hell is he now? does he have a family? and a new baby? all I've ever given has been taken from me & what have I gotten from it? an empty heart. I just want something for my own. anything worth the hurt. I'm sick of being the one who gives and gives & makes sure everyones happy & comfortable. what about me? I gotta start takin care of myself. but how? I just wanna screw it all & do whatever I want. but I know that won't bring me true happiness. but, all I've been trying to do is find that happiness...& I'm not closer to it.
I wish someone could cure this pain. its funny how you think its gunna work out...then ur exactly back where u were.

see, even now I wanna put a disclaimer on this, saying don't read it, cuz I don't want anyone to get depressed or feel sorry for me or whatever. I can't not worry about others all the damn time. lots of people love me, but they don't even know me. they love that I listen to them & care about their happiness. I don't need a lot of ppl to know me...i just want one that can understand how I feel & love me for who I am inside. is it so bad that the man who does might not be able to take me to the temple?