Purpose

"Janessa,

I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to drop a note and tell you how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to know you. I think when I first decided I wanted the chance to work with birth mothers as a therapist, I naively thought it was because I had something to bring to the table that women who are not birth moms did not. I now realize I have gotten far more from meeting other birth moms than they have ever gotten from knowing me. Even though I placed eight years ago, I still grieve and working at the agency has opened many new wounds. But listening to the things you share at group has brought me new insights into my own experience as well as great comfort. I am so grateful for you and your willingness to be so honest and open about your experience. I know every birth mom who has had the opportunity to come to group and hear you speak has benefited as well.

It really is true that in many ways being a birth mom is a sisterhood of sorts. Even though each bmom experience is completely different, only another bmom can even begin to understand what we go through.

thank you for all you have done."

I know that this is one of the reasons I was chosen to go through the things I have. So that I can help others and be their hope. That helps me so much and lifts me up. To truly know what someone is going through and know what they need to hear, and be able to comfort them and advise them, is so fulfilling. If I can make any birth mom's experience even a little bit easier, its worth the pain I go through. I have thought a lot about writing a book about my experiences and also putting in short excerpts of other birth mom's stories. There really aren't any adoption books out there that are written by actual birth parents, its always the therapists...which we love, but honestly what all can they know since they are a 3rd party. I really just want to get together my journal and organize/add things, etc and try to get it published. Just through Deseret Book or something. I can't get the idea out of my head, which makes me think I really do need to do it. So, I will start.
My baby's journal began since I left P, when I found out I was pregnant and is ongoing. I write in it for and to E and hand-copy it into a copy for her. I will eventually give her the copy. I don't know when. Maybe in a year or so, maybe not until she can read and understand everything. We'll see. I just got an email from E's mom, and I love her and their family so much! Its truly amazing that I just feel like they are another part of my extended family and I forget that I haven't always known them. That helps so much. We are comfortable together and theres so much love, its amazing. Its unspoken when we are together, but the connection is just there. Then we email about our feelings :) I hear from them every week and they email pictures. Best part of the week still! But I'm not as anxiously awaiting each one, as I used to be, which means I've made leaps and bounds. I know I progress, slowly but surely:)
Good nite.

Loss

This weekend I got to fly down to see E, my beautiful baby girl. She is 8 months old now and can crawl! She's amazing and so beautiful and adorable and cute and happy and a million other good things. I love her more than I could ever describe.

This is the 3rd occasion that I have gotten to spend time with her. The last time I saw her She was 4 months old and so different from the first time I was with her in the hospital, after she was born.

Each occasion will forever be held close to my heart and etched in my mind and soul. I ache for her. I can't pretend that I don't. My body literally cries and throbs for her over and over again.

Lately I've finally come to accept the fact that I'm not 'okay' and that's okay. 

Its okay for me to hurt and struggle, what I've done is incredibly hard. I've felt somewhat empty ever since I placed her with her new family and I've expected that void to be filled by time. But, I now know that it never will be. I will never be whole again, because a part of me is gone. My baby girl. She calls someone else mommy now and that hurts more than anything. Watching her be comforted by another mother is true heartache. I should be the one she comes to for comfort, that she laughs with and snuggles with and hugs. I shouldn't be the one that makes her cry when I hold her, because she is unfamiliar with me. I should be her mommy.

People always say, 'Well, you will always be her mother.' And, of course I will be. Her 'birth mother.' Its just so hard. I can make it through, I have made it this far, I will keep going, and things will get better. I know they will, because I know I made the right decision, and I don't regret it.

She is so happy with her new family and its a beautiful thing. But, because I have that motherly connection with her, I can't just be 'okay'. I feel God's love for her, and for me, and this is the way he intended things. I made some bad decisions and was able to make an amazing situation out of a scary one, and for that I am grateful.

But, no one said it would be easy, and its not. 
I don't expect it to be, but sometimes I just wish it was.

I think back to over a year ago, when I was still with him. I was an entirely different person then. I am proud of the woman this situation has made me become and I wouldn't change anything about the process, because its made me so much stronger and wiser.

But why couldn't he be the man I needed him to be? Why? Oh why oh why?! 

You can't change anyone and that's the cold hard truth. They have to want to change. What hurts the most is that he knew what he needed to change to keep Me and his child, but he didn't do it. Were we not worth it? I still love him and have so much compassion for him. I wish I could hate him. But, all I could think of this weekend was how amazing it was that he and I could make such a beautiful child. Whenever I look at her I see us.
And what could have been. 

My wise friend told me the quote; 'true forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.' I think this is so true. And I do forgive him...but it still hurts.

I just struggle to find meaning in anything that I do anymore, without her and that connection and love. How do you go back from this? Go back to living the life a single 21-yr old woman is supposed to live? And how do I move forward?