Wonder

I wonder a lot.

I wonder what P is doing. I wonder if he thinks about me and our baby. I wonder if he cares. Does the topic ever come up in his family? Or does he just avoid it like he avoided any talk about his past relationships. He was supposedly engaged before we met and he would never even tell me her name. I wonder if he hurts. I wonder if he is doing better. I wonder if his family thinks about E. I wonder if they hate me as much as I think they do. Or if they even care? I really wonder if E will want P to be a part of her life. I worry that he will hurt her. Basically, I just wonder about a lot of things.

But, I don’t think I really want to know the answer to these questions. I think it will just create more pain and more unanswered questions.

It is strange to enjoy such an open relationship with E and her family, all the while P is totally shutoff and out of the picture. I am sad that he is missing out on the life of this beautiful little girl. She is so great and he doesn’t even know it. He would love her, I know it. And maybe he already does, in his own way. Again, I wonder…

I haven’t had any dreams about P for a long time. I used to have them all the time. Especially while I was pregnant. Some were vivid nightmares, while some were emotionally, sometimes romantically, intense situations I was placed in with him. A few times he begged me to take him back. I feel proud that at least in my dreams I have never gone back to him.

I know that a part of me wanted him to do all he could to be in our child’s life, even if it meant barging into the hospital demanding to see E. If only to know that he cared. Of course, I am very grateful that he didn’t try to stop the adoption and that E is happy and safe. I am in a very good place emotionally and physically. My life is good and I am enjoying everyday and looking forward to the future. I hope and pray that P has a similar situation…but for now I will just have to wonder.

A Time of Honor and Remembrance

“It is no small thing to give life.

To feel the kick of tiny feet.

To know that no matter how far apart you are,

there will always be someone out there

with whom you are connected.

To be a mother is to love,

to nurture,

to care.

To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.

Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.

On Mother's Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.

For the love we will always have for them.

For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.

We begin by honoring each other. 
 

For most birthmothers, Mother's Day is a day tinged with sadness and shame. Whether out of indifference or deliberate intent, family , friends and society in general often does not recognize our experience of motherhood. Many birthmothers feel that they do not have the right to be acknowledged on Mother's Day.
 
A group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember, decided to create Birthmother's Day. The first gathering, on the Saturday before Mother's Day 1990, brought together birthmothers and supportive family and friends. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that the Saturday before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."
 
Birthmother's Day is now commemorated all over the country. As the word spreads, more and more groups are organizing their own ceremonies. It is becoming the way for birthmothers to proclaim their motherhood, and for those who love and support then, to honor and remember their role as life givers.
 
To begin their new tradition, the birthmothers in Seattle felt that they needed to do more than simply gather together. They decided to create a ceremony that would not only give voice to their loss, but honor to the sacrifices they have made as well. It was to be a time of healing, as well as a time for respect.
 
Ultimately, it is not really a question of how we celebrate and remember our experience of motherhood, but that we do it in the first place. For too long we have been silent, accepting the view that in relinquishing our rights to parent, that our experiences in giving birth, and mothering our children those first few precious days, never happened.
 
To be a mother is to love, to nurture, to care. Before we were ever "birthmothers" we were mothers. And we still are.  We have entered into the community of mothers by virtue of our love, by nurturing our children their first nine months of life, by caring for them enough to place them into the hands of another who could give them what we could not. Our experience of mothering, while not complete, is as valid as our children's adoptive mothers. Entrusting the adoptive mother with our role as parent does not negate all that has come before. That is what we need to remember and celebrate, in whatever way choose.”
-Brenda Romanchik
 
 

Painting by J. Kirk Richards

Purchase Mother & Child Prints/Cards here.

Birthmother’s Day

This year I got to celebrate Birthmother’s Day with some of my favorite ladies in Seattle. My husband and I were visiting his family for Mother’s Day and it was perfect because I got to go to the annual Birthmother’s Day Brunch @ the LDS Family Services Office in Renton.

The office was decorated beautifully by Tara and Tawnia (The TATA’s) with a relaxing beach theme.

The food was fabulous and we had a pretty good turn out. There were about 14 birthmothers there celebrating the day. We even had a birth daughter there (recently reunited with her mother after a closed adoption for 18 years)!

We made some cute, inspirational necklaces,

toasted to Birthmothers everywhere and the children we love,

wrote letters to our children, attached them to balloons and released them.

 

 

I am so glad I was able to go and catch up with some of my soul-sisters! Recognizing and celebrating Birthmother’s Day makes Mother’s Day much easier for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, on Mother’s Day I received a beautiful (and super cute) flower arrangement from E and her family. E’s mom said that E even picked them out online. I love them!

I was able to carry them onto the airplane that night and they are now on my desk at work. :)